Life's good when u know how to live it

2007-08-29T13:46:00.000+08:00

Moving on to a new blog.
Email me for add at maddie_85@yahoo.com
Blogger has left me many memories, both good and bad.

i know in order to move on, i should just start from scratch,

and never looking back.

Goodbye.

Hong Kong

2007-08-06T17:40:00.000+08:00

Its 10 more hours before i head off to Hong Kong. For these past few days, i have been spending quality time with my loved ones, namely my family and Mister JS. Frankly, it was a truly awesome weekend with them as i have been busy working since vacation started in April.

iam excited but not totally. Think iam even more excited for my 22nd Birthday. Gonna cook a nice dinner for mom and dad. At my request, Js took half day off on the 13th Aug just to cook with me. How sweet. I have always wanted to cook since exams ended. Have even bought those sauces but due to unforeseen circumstances, i failed to cook in April. Oh well, it would be nice to have a quiet celebration with my family and Js on that monday. =) =) =)

As for next week, i should be meeting my besties for celebration. *keeping fingers crossed* Hope they be a lil more merciful towards me. But i doubt so. Ha. Since whoever's birthday years back, one person (usually its the birthday girl) will surely get the worst forfeit.

Anyway, school's starting in 2 weeks time. Was discussing with Js about exchange. Really wanna go as i thought it'ii be a good exposure for the both of us. Initially, we wanted Aussie. But if possible, we can head to Europe or better still, Canada! Uncle Eddie is there, prolly can cramp in with his family. Can save money on accomodation =) How cool will that be? But i know its alot of things to be done. Shall see how things goes. This semester, i will work hard and create miracles for my grades. I have done that in poly, so this is not impossible. =)

Till my return to sg, take care my dearies.
Love you all.

2007-07-20T12:26:00.000+08:00

Don't know what gotten to me these 2 weeks. I have been so freakin' FRUSTRATED. Like to pick at the slightest thing. Wonder if its my mense? BOSS bids? Lack of sleep? Lack of my own personal time? My sickness? My past? My present?

I just freakin don't know.

2007-07-06T18:13:00.001+08:00

2 months may have passed. But memories are still vivid. Been told to move on and i have prolly did. But what happened during that short span of time certainly changed my life. Regardless of what others say about my entry, iam still gonna blogged abt it, for these are my exact thoughts about the issues that happened.

In the past, when i was overwhelmed with emotions, i just took my pills, brawl it all out or just lapsed into another dimension. I was definitely badly affected by the past events. Its true that time is suppose to heal, but as mentioned countless of times before, how long does it takes to heal exactly? She took 2 years for a 6 months relationship. I really donno about myself. Not forgetting the fact that i gave my entire ALL in that 1.5 years. I regretted for this point. I regretted not holding back. I regretted being overly self-sacrificial. I regretted trying to be his everything. I regretted letting myself getting hurt when i was suppose to self-love.

And of course, my biggest regret was to allow my emotions taking over me for the whole six months. I refused help from mom, dad, sis and friends. I just wanted help from him. I think he tried but the help he gave was not what i wanted.

I tried to take many baby steps to get myself outta this but to no avail. That time, i was emotionally dependent on him. Only he was capable of making me happy and sad. And frankly, i think that really sucks. Relationships ARE supposed to be beautiful and trusting. Why do i live with so much decep and prolly hatred? During the time when i needed a trusted support the most, he left me. Yes, i became heavily dependent on my family, friends and jinsheng. Not that i really wanted to but i was left with no choice. I remembered blogging a private entry, "....extremely rocky now...really pray for the best and hope we dont end up going seperate ways cos if that happens, its really the end of the world of me......" Fang also mentioned few months back that, if i were to suffer a breakup, my condition will certainly get worst. True enough, that happened.

Come to think of it, some friends thought it was pure cruelty. Others thought it might be a blessing in disguise. As for me, it could be a mixture of both but prolly skewed more to the latter. Actually, i thought i might have a committment phobia after this. But surprisingly, this is not the case for jinsheng. Through him and all the past events that had occured, i learnt to be emotionally independent from my partners. And i thought that has made me happier to some great extend. I have derive joy from the things i wish to do, not from my boyfriend.

Anyway, speaking of which, we have been together for coming close to a month. I think time passed very fast and the day that we got together was extremely significant, 150607. Its the middle of the year and the middle of the month. Additionally, its his birthday too. Kok Liang says i can save on his present every year. =) haha. Oh well, he has been so great as well. Really wonderful. We do have our disagreements at times, but i guess we always talk things out and i really appreciate that =)

Suppose to be celebrating this sat. I told him i wanted sushi cos i am extremely obsessed with Salmon Sashimi =D Oh my, typing this now just makes me hungry. Gotta wait tho. Good things must always wait. And also, its less a month to my HongKong trip. I just met up with mel today to discuss with her about our trip. Getting excited as well. My first time abroad with friend. How cool can that be? Its gonna be sucha wonderful birthday present to me. I guess its kinda sad that eileen can join. And really babe, i wonder how you are getting on. I wanted to comment you on your bloggy. But after typing, i decided to drop you an email the next day. And as expected, that next day never came! sorry. But still, i do care and i really miss you. =) just text me if anything k. iii always be here

2007-07-04T01:27:00.001+08:00

its been long since i blogged. Lost that momentum in writing tho. And i have tried countless attempt to do up a nice blogskin which of cos, produces fruitless results. Iam just too overly perfectionist that all the skins that i created doesnt seem to satisfy me. Anyway, will continue to customise one when i have the time. =p

Have been really busy with work. The job at HSBC was really crap but, i did learn ALOT. Leasing work was certainly not my forte and i started everything from scratch. Frankly, it was the worst job i have ever temp. Almost everyday, i get "screwed" from all directions. Once i fend off an arrow from one department, another comes from behind. The last straw came when i was made to take the blame for a failed contract. I wish to stay but getting $6/hr was certainly not very fantastic. It was simply less than peanuts. Decided to leave for greener fields and chance upon a job near my home.

Guess what? Life can get so contradicting at times. After working for a day there, i realised i preferred the fast pace job at Shenton. So i left the company and got a job at OCBC. Anyway, it was not all bad at HSBC. I was always looking forward to lunch with him where we will both start whining to each other about work. =) Oh well, i just wanna work as much as i can to pay for my HK trip in August with meli! cant wait.

Note: its getting real late and frankly, i havent finish blogging =) Shall continue in next entry then.

2007-04-16T04:06:00.000+08:00

Devastated. Truly devastated.
"Be strong", he says.
Iam trying.
Iam really trying.

2007-04-08T12:55:00.000+08:00

i had my relapse again last night. Really hate it and i drowned myself with sleeping pills. Couldnt wake up until 11 this morning. For those who know me, iam usually up by 9am. Can imagine how strong those pills were. I was really upset. And fortunately babe called me. Time flew so fast that i didnt realised we spoke for 3 hours. I guess when we're down in the dump, some angels do miraculously appear. We comforted
each other and i was glad both of us felt better after the conversation.

Babe, you know why i didnt scold you? Firstly, no one is perfect. Everyone makes mistake. What matters most is NOT the mistake you make, but the process of learning from it. I may not understand your situation fully, so the least i can do is not to judge. You did not do wrong and neither you're right. Everything is subjective. Its a matter of different perspective of individuals. I guess to me, we are already 22 and its critical for us to handle issues like an adult. As what i told you, both of us learnt things the hard way. It'ii prolly make us be stronger individuals next time. Additionally, those things that impact me alot will prolly be deeply embedded in my mind for a long long time. So take things in your stride ya. =)

Moving on, things have been pretty rough on my side. I have been handling so many things concurrently that friends are worried of me getting a burnout from everything! i seriously don't know. Iam just taking things as it comes. I really need my encouragement. I need appreciation for the things i have done. Just yesterday, i ruined 2 weeks of my hard work. You know how heartbroken i was? I blamed it on my own stupidity until sis asked me:"do you regret what you have said?"

strangely, my answer was a "No". I don't regret and never did. I guess through so much happenings in my life, i have emerged to be someone who knows what i want. Usually i dont take back my words. Hence, this makes me to be extremely careful with what i say or do, for i dont want to regret something for the rest of my life. In short, i meant what i said.

Well, the commencing of my first paper is just 3 days away. And i still have tons to mug. Iam so freakin' dead. Prolly study too much. Cos the tiniest things at home interest me greatly. Just a moment ago, i was analysing this lonely ant on my floor. Donno why but it really amuses me. Alright, time to hit the sack!

2007-03-17T22:54:00.000+08:00

"i feel, a relapse coming up. =(
trying to control myself.
darn, exams are coming up.
and with all the deadlines,
i can hardly breathe.
JS wrote me a long long letter.
and i think, he is concerned about me getting a burned out.
in which, i promised i will plan my time carefully.
man, its tough."

Those are exactly my thoughts now. I felt the pressure suddenly. Pressure from school work. People gets addicted to caffeine, drugs, booze, sex etc. Iam addicted to sleep. If i dont get my usual noon naps, my mind will start drifting elsewhere. And that was what exactly happened this afternoon. Iam trying to break out of this though. I know the beginning to any changes can be tough. But its essential to take the first step. Its not just this iam worried about. My quality of work is declining. That is my greatest pressure. As mentioned, exams are coming up. And i seemed to be going through one of my darkest periods concurrently.

Min dropped by yesterday. It was a surprise visit. She was so sweet. Bought me this pillow mist from L'Occitane, Meiji Choc and a cd featuring Bobby McFerrin. We chatted till almost 1am when i urged her to return home. I wish for longer chats though. But those short moments were enough. She kept emphasizing that, friends ought to be here for me and that, i shouldnt feel bad. To be frank, i hate troubling people. Not even my family actually. I guess, if iam living alone outside, my family will never know about my problems. Well, i guess, life is like that hur?

i havent blame anyone for my problems. Sometimes, i do feel that, the problems are not enough to last me a lifetime. Everyone should face with problems to grow. But i know, iam learning the hard way. No route is easy and i accept that. I seemed to be babbling non-stop. Have this strong urge to delete this post but oh well, my fingers just went "publish" instead. hah. going nuts. must be the medicine.

2007-03-13T11:08:00.000+08:00

at the airport

Iii be lying if i say i dont miss him. It has been more than a week since i heard from him. That certainly worries me. As everyone knows, i do think alot and have probably reach a stage where i became irrational. I dont know if the Indonesia earthquake does affect him in any ways. Yes, two different countries but they are connected by the same water. And if i remember correctly, he was supposed to be stationed at a rig in the open waters. It is worrying me. =(

Been getting the spells recently. Dont know if its the side effects of the medication but i doubt so. I had that same spells half year back. And the doc couldnt diagnose anything. Doc even suggested going to a specialist. I refused of course. Pretty ex i guess. Anyway, i do see the urgency to nurse myself back to health for, exams are coming. I cant fall sick and i dont want to.

Well, i realised iam not into my usual writing style. Just type whatever that comes into my mind. Rather unstructured i guess. But who cares. I met up with babe and fang last week. Speaking to them was kinda, tough? My thoughts were really scattered. But of course, they didnt mind. It wasnt like this in the past. I guess, there are some problems with my communication skills now. And sad to say, i dont remember things as well as i do in the past. Been pretty forgetful. JS bought me a book, "The Road Less Travelled by Scott Peck" after our meetup at Harry's. It was meant to be a surprise and of course, reading the letter he wrote was nice as well. Yes, i have made another well-deserving friend at smu. Thanks dude. =)

2007-03-05T14:55:00.000+08:00

I have always thought that writing your everyday's doing is purely weird cos, why would everyone wants to know what you have eaten for lunch and what you have bought for your shopping trip today. I was so wrong. Now that my life is kinda empty, i have grown to appreciate reading other people's lives of what they do everyday. At times, i wish to rack my brains and asked myself if i have anything to blog for my friends.

But often, i have nothing to write, for my life at the moment, consists mostly of sleeping and study. Fulfilling life i have none. What a shame. At the moment, i have been taking 3 different types of medication and yes, iam relying on sleeping pills to overcome that insommia that i suffered for the last few nights. I wish to resume my exercises and run as that should get rid of those letargic-ness and restlessness i have during the day.

Yesterday BY came over and exclaimed in disgust (remind me to punch him for this) that i looked thin. Scrawny and boney. In case if anyone is concerned about me now, NO, i dont look that terrible alright. He just likes to exaggerate. Well, i know he is concerned la. Anyway, will be back soon with a new entry on what i have been doing in dec 2006 till now. Whether anyone likes it, iam definitely writing.

end note: pardon my spelling errors. not exactly that critical of my words now.

2007-02-22T00:01:00.000+08:00

Confiding is just admitting. You have to really run away yourself. Take a new step in something and you will find things better. Get a hold of life. There is no better age than now. Well hope things will turn out better, they always do...Eventually

You can have a broader view of the situation if you step out for awhile. It will serve to psychologically make you more positive to the issues that you can control. Do take care anyway.

- Mr HL Banana Milk lover (sorry, you just reminded me of that. haha)

2007-02-02T18:33:00.000+08:00

recently, i had so much problems with the boyfriend
till it had left me with, two swollen eyes on thursday morning.
then my girlfriend said this to me,
"when you get mad at alvin again, think about what mine did to me. it might make you feel better."

frankly, iam touched by what she has said.
i told her, i cant bring myself to find joy at the expense of her misery.
but i do agree, her case is worse than mine.
and seriously, where can you ever find sucha' good friend like this?
thanks babe and no,
i wont think about what he has done to you whenever i have issues.
i just cant bring myself to do that.

2007-01-30T02:06:00.000+08:00

Before someone slammed me for copyrighting, i wanna clarify that,
i found these philosophies at some guy's profile. Reason of copying?
This freakin' dude shares the same philosophies as me, in terms of how we view life, that is.

(1) Someone who strongly believes that everyone should keep changing for the better. The fact that no one is perfect is a perfect excuse for people to give up on themselves and sit their fat ass on their comfort zone.

my comments: (i welcome open confrontations on my character. I do agree that, no one is perfect. But if no one is gonna step up to confront me, i can never change. And to me, this is plainly biased-ness)

(2) Someone who feels that people who live for themselves should find a cave in the most desertated island this earth can offer, and isolate themselves for the rest of their lives, eating sashimi and sucking coconuts. If u dun feel sorry for being selfish, rest assured u will end up deeper than 6 feet under.
my comments: (yes, i guess sometimes, we dont always live for ourselves. We live for others too.)

(3) Someone who believes that Smart means high EQ and not IQ. The true definition of a Smart Ass is someone who has such a high EQ that he can manipulate brain juice of someone with very high IQ to do his crap.

(4) And Finally, I am really someone who is really straight forward and can be full of shit at times. And I have been a very often misunderstood person, so take a step back and think hard before judging anyone, anyhow.

my comments: (YES, iam always misunderstood. Be it my actions, my words, my behaviour. Always always misunderstood.)

2007-01-27T03:19:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, i think,
i failed as a good friend.
Its just not in me to take initiative.
That's the real madeline.
But i know friendships will get stagnant if,
i continue this behavior.
Thus, i tried to change.
But i guess,
Its never enough.

Actually, when i start to pick up my life,
studies begin to take up most of my time.
Everyone knows that when school term starts,
iii mostly disappear.
I have to. Mom paid so much for my fees.
I cant let her down.
I have a committment.
Fraid somethings may need to be sacrifice.
I just dont have a choice.
If i could, i wish to have two sides of me.
One to study. The other to spend time with friends.

2007-01-13T15:59:00.000+08:00

Life to me, is like a threater. It just dawned on me that i have always been the leading actress of my own stage. Like a prima donna, i call the shots on what scenes to be act daily. And it seems like, mind has been skewed towards being melancholic again. Since school started, i have been out of sorts every single day.

The more optimistic i stay, the more challenges i faced. How contradicting life can be. To be frank, iam in no mood to hang out at the moment. Even if i need to sort out my thoughts, iii prolly be alone at somewhere quiet. Girlfriend suddenly came up to me and asked if i was alright. And really, that took me by surprise. She related that, i seemed moody these few days at school. I wish to say more but i knew i couldnt. To me, relating my stories again brings much pain and misery.

I have been through that. And i dont want to go through em' again.

I think, the only issue that i can control is my health. Been trying to nurse myself back to health so that, i can fully focus on my studies. Dont wish for late nights and all those stress to take a further toil in my already weak constitution.

Coming next month, iam gonna make one major decision and this prolly gonna get many to chide at me for being unfilial. But i know, i have to make the right decision. This whole affair has been going ridiculously wrong. And someone just have to stop it. Why has this many years of rivalry between you guys affecting us? Yes i know, we are not financially rich. Yes i know, my dad ain't working due to his disability. Yes i know, we have been through poly. And yes i also know, i manage to get to the local uni. I proved your prediction of 'poly students cant make it to uni' wrong. To be honest, up till today, iii never forget the look on mom's face when i told her that i qualified for local uni. She was so close to tearing.

Seriously, do we have anything for you guys to be jealous about? We are happy and i am also happy in love. And really, what's the problem of being in love? You have always emphasized "studies come first." But you cant control feelings. Why the issue of barring him? It makes no sense to me. Or plainly, its bullshit. Yes, iam enraged. And if this problem cant be settled, you wont be seeing me until late feb. I may seem unfilial but iam still sane. Dont expect me to do all of your bidding. Go find yourselves a new puppet.

The rest of the issues in my life, i shallnt elaborate. Lately, i have been isolating myself from the crowd. Other than heading to school, i have always been home. Wanted to roam around but the rain prevented me. Anyway, i know some of besties are having some issues with their life. I wish to help but i know at this moment, i need to get myself back on feet before helping. To Serene babe, iam sorry that you're going through so much and iam not there physically for you. Dropping you notes is my way of telling you that i still care. Please be strong. Iam not rushing you to move on with your life. Everyone needs to grieve before moving on. But iknow, one day, just one day, you'ii be fine. Please dont do anything to let God take you away from me. I can't afford to lose a friend like you.

Fraid in my life, when problems happened, my first instinct is to run away from it. I have been trying to correct this behaviour and prolly i succeeded a little. Fear is what iam always experiencing and that of cause, make me unable to have the courage to face up to reality. I used to confide everything in sis and boyfriend. But just recently, i realised, i gotta start settling my own problems because no one knows me as much as i know myself. There are many things in life that is just beyond my control. And i know, i have to adapt and change myself for the environment. Not the reverse.

I have way too many new year resolutions and prolly, its time to start planning for applying an overseas exchange to Europe. Guess I need a new environment to start my new life.

2007-01-02T23:12:00.000+08:00

today, the 2nd Jan 2007,
i think the optimistic-me has died.

cause once again,

history has repeated,

in a much severe situation now.

the tears has never stop flowing

when will you ever stop hurting me.

just when?

2007 entry

2007-01-02T01:31:00.000+08:00

People were frantically anticipating 2007 to come. So did i.
Never did i realise the twist to my anticipation.

Was burning with a fever on the 30th Dec.
Naturally, fever weakens my body.
And due to that, we could only watch the beautiful fireworks on the TV.
And this morning at home, had a slight argument with my precious.
Bad way to start the beginning of 2007.
Throughout the whole day,
Nauseousness begins to kick in as i kept getting the feeling to vomit.
Then after lunch, due to too much tom yam soup (i think),
tummy was giving me the cramps.
At the same time, i was losing my voice.
After ktv, we went for dinner.
Due to differences in perference for food,
we went separate ways to have our meals which in turn,
enraged her. When she approached our table,
I was actually arguing with him over certain issues.
The two separate issues saddens me.
Once home, my tummy finally couldn't take it.
I stayed glued to the loo till legs went numb.

Frankly, i seriously think,
i could have experienced a much worse situation.
Either iam crazy or iam overly-optimistic.

2006-12-15T23:00:00.000+08:00

I don't need you all to understand my feelings or the situation that i have been through in these past six months.

I just need you all to understand my needs.

And all i ever ask for is,

Acceptance.

2006-12-09T22:22:00.000+08:00

Today, at my cousin's wedding, I learn 3 new things regarding love.

(1) Forgiveness

(2) Be sensitive to each other's needs

(3) Treat each other as God would treat you

pretty inspiring words of advices. Iam taking heed, or at least try to. My last entry before i head off for my holidays. It has been a long time since i travel with my family. Sis asked me to dress less-glam. Cos she doesnt want the locals there to think we are rich -,- maybe she is afraid iii get abducted. haha.

its weird on how my mind is filled with so much stuff to do. And strangely, all these stuff are the little details that humans tend to overlook in life. It just keeps flashing non-stop in my mind. going crazy.

anyway, be getting really busy when iam back. lotsa meetups and birthday celebrations and of cos, gonna spend some well-deserving time with the boyfriend. pardon me if i start to mia. Dear friends, till we meet again, take care.

missing my boy

2006-12-07T04:35:00.000+08:00

Have you ever felt your own emotions being so uncontrollable that you are at loss as to what to do?

I just felt it.
At Zouk, as well as at home.
I just feel like collapsing onto someone and weeped my heart out. During school days, my days just flew past so quickly that i could hardly catch my breath. Every minute and every second, i would be doing something. Be it project, homework, sending out emails, preparation for tests and exams. Every single moment was fully utilized. That was my way of putting aside love affairs to focus on my studies. I guess now that holidays are here, i can no longer get as busy as before. To be honest,

i really miss him.

i may not confide in friends about it or may have appear rather unaffected by his absence. Truth is, i was and still is. I just didnt show. Now i just wish, time to pass even faster. Guess i was getting impatient. But prolly people who went through this period with me will understand my anxiety.

2006-12-04T13:53:00.000+08:00

- Blogging in an extremely clear mind. Not on impulse.

You committing suicide years back.
I finally understood.

Those betrayal of trust from her.
I finally understood.

Those foolishness.
I finally understood.

Those anguish and hurt you went through
I finally understood.

You thought you made a close friend.
But she stab you in the back.
I finally understood.

Those moments of him choosing her over you.
I dont understand for this and probably wont. But just wanna say,
she is a f*****n bitch.

thoughts

2006-12-04T11:16:00.000+08:00

Sometimes i wonder if i should really pen my own personal thoughts in this blog. I know only friends i know has this link and occasionally, some strangers might drop by but those were few though. Actually, i can now sense the environment changing me. I sense that transformation. And iam really afraid to see my own future. I have always been told to trust my own intuition.

Iam now at a cross road of my own character building. I can see what i will become if i were to take either road. I can see it extremely clearly. And i did mention to sis, mom, dad and the boyfriend that now, its a crucial timing for my own character developing. Yes, peer pressure and environment might play a part in shaping myself. However, i am still greatly influence by my love ones. Reason being, i trust them. I trust that they wont hurt me and will be able to guide me. Iam an extremist. If not properly guided, i can be quite a trouble-maker. I know friends might see me as being cynical. But really, iam just being honest here.

Yes, iam twenty one. But i just thought my views should be heard! Why am i being put down? Why am i being ridiculed? I deserved to be heard! It just makes me angry that my thought are being laughed at. What's wrong with hearing my opinions? What's wrong with me being twenty one? What's wrong?

I have at times being forced to build a barrier around me. This barrier prevents me from getting hurt from anything. I really meant anything. I did attempt to do that. Boy, sis said it was scary. This is because, in the midst of guarding myself, i became emotionless. I have no feelings for anything and anyone. And this is what that truly frightens me. I dont wish to behave like that.

But are you able to pull me back from this? Or rather,
Do you want to pull me back from this?

I know you feel pressurized. But life has its choices. Its a matter of whether you made the right one. Its your choice. I aint forcing. And i aint giving up. Cause i know what i want. By the way, Happy One Year. Long and eventful year we had. Don't know what the future has in stored for us. But iam certain, it wont be a bed of roses.

2006-11-24T22:09:00.000+08:00

For the first time in this relationship, i think i hurt him. And that silly boy just accept whatever things i said to him and kept silent. *Guilty* Alright, i really felt extremely guilty. But i know, he was magnanimous enough to NOT take that issue to heart.

y'know, in relationships, i always strive to be the perfect girlfriend. Constantly trying to be mature and considerate in ALL issues that arose. But in the midst of being someone perfect, i tend to lose myself. Lose my real personality. But I guess, i was just afraid of losing my significant other. And of course, i gotten more vulnerable as a result, frequently setting high expectations for myself and him. Yes, that was the PERFECT example of misery.

But i know myself, i seldom let people down first. It is usually the opposite. Nuff said.

The boyfriend has yet to confirm his flight home. He said he should arrive in Singapore on the 9th or 10th. And yknow what? Iam leaving Singapore on the 10th Morning =( Really not fated. Next week is kinda rushing. Have to do some spring cleaning for his room. I just visited his parents last sunday. His room was damm freakin' dusty. And i think those accumulated dust will send him sneezing for months. He has an extremely sensitive nose by the way.

Well, iam still getting the occasional swings but moods have been better. I just cant wait for exams to end quickly. Paper was alright today. Bel was rubbing her paper so hard that the whole table shook for a while (two people to a table) I was getting dizzy =p

Okay, not funny. After my last paper this sat, iam so, gonna enjoy my first week in Singapore. Afterwhich, its travelling for me. Been longing to go Thailand for a long time with the boyfriend. I just thought its something we deserve after being apart for so long.

I still love this picture =)

prolly hitting mambo with my smu mates next week. anyone wanna come?

2006-10-31T12:46:00.000+08:00

"When I saw how impatient she was in teaching me, I vowed NEVER to do the same to other people."

Be it friends, colleagues, bosses, family etc. I don't deny that, sometimes, i can get pretty impatient about things and people. But after every incident of showing my impatient streak, I seemed to be plagued by a sense of guilt towards that unfortunate victim. Afterwhich, its a usual instinct of mine to neutralise the situation by either pacifying or apologising to them.

I certainly have nil respect for friends who don't even practise the basic way of reciprocity. I know intelligence plays a part to survive at anywhere, but somehow, emotional intelligence takes the cake to prevent potential daggers flying into your back. I was marked down by abit for my participation in a group project. To be honest, i was bitter. Yes, marks are important for every undergrad at SMU. But i think, integrity and moral values matter more than anything. I ponder and question my own contributions for all projects that iam currently doing. My bottom line is clear. "I don't contribute just 100% but 200% in all my work." I always believe in creating a win-win situation between myself and my friends.

I have done that since poly days. Cause i know, everyone wants good grades. But iam selective. I only create the win-win situation with the people who deserves my effort. For others, i just feel, they are better off failing. I used to share notes and help friends out in poly, even to the extend of friends coming to my home in the middle of the night. Yes, it might have been tiring or a lil inconvenient. But those nights of trying to solve issues together improves our education level, as well as strengtening friendships. And iam proud to say, I have made many friends in poly, out of which, around eight of them remain on close terms with me till now.

Sorry, iam just pissed. I guess that is life. I faced the first subtle stab into my back in university. But its alright though. No use crying over spilled milk. The only thing i can do is accept the situation and find any remedies to save myself, as well as a fellow smu gf of mine.

I realise that, i have always been playing the devil's advocate around. Everyone is too afraid to speak up to the person. Contradicting right? We all speak so much Shit during interview just to be granted a space at SMU but when you wanna confront someone, all of us just play mouse. Timid and cowardly. Yes, that statement might be tactless but i think, patience has its limits. But Sis told me to tolerate. Thus, blog should be the only outlet i am going to rant my issues.

Well, i have been rather frustrated lately. I contribute it to school work. Have been at smu for 7 days a row, I now declare this school as my second home. I was just telling the boyfriend yesterday that, his absence/our temporary separation is good for us. I think i need to break away from this relationship for a moment and seek new friends. I thought i sounded harsh to him though :(

Anyway, the Prof is talking about personality right now. I wondered if what i feel about myself differs from what others perceive me to be. What do you all think? :)

2006-10-06T23:21:00.000+08:00

1) My ass slipped off the bed. Ended up on the floor. Sigh, yes, again.

2) Mistook the shower gel and used it to shampoo my hair!

3) Was bidding goodbye to a friend and i rammed into the pillar.

Bad day. PMS is finally here.

2006-09-29T23:32:00.000+08:00

Domestic issues in the family drives me nuts. I know i have been rather short tempered recently. Part of those small outbursts were caused by studies. It was tough trying to catch up on my work. Missing three weeks of class aint joking matter. But i should survive. I ought to actually. Gave him my promise of balancing studies and IMF. Anyway, the other part comes from family. As mentioned, its domestic, so issues like these should be kept within the walls of my humble home.

I leave home every morning feeling disturbed. Everyone seemed to steer clear of my path. Now, that was amazing. Do i look monstrous? Well, i have been faced with situations like these. And it annoys me to no end.

1) If you wanna survive uni, be street smart. Trust people at your own risks. But i suggest otherwise.

2) Pls dont brag to people about your grades. Its an awful experience listening to them whining. Kindly practice some humility.

3) I know some can solve work problems quickly. Can you stop cheering to yourself about your own success and help me with mine?

4) Stop acting clever to make us feel stupid. You're smart but you aint using it to your benefit.

5) Quit whining. Have the guts to speak up cos talk is cheap.

6) Finally, dont feedback when you think the other party cant take it. Once bitten twice shy, i will be more careful and selective in future.

I always live with this philosophy in life - "The higher your education level, the humbler you should be. A degree is just a paper. What matters to me is how am i gonna differentiate myself from other undergrads. Anyway, this semester seemed better than the last two semesters. Its contradicting to the fact that he aint around. Yknow, bfs are suppose to make you happier and such. Probably, i was spared from thinking too much in his absence. Yes, i think too much. But really, everything in life has this cause and effect issue. If there is no cause, there wont be an effect. There wont be a fire if there is no flammable objects that started it.

So in conclusion, i wont react in a certain manner if he hadnt done anything wrong.

Tolerance may be my strength. But it soon became a weakness when i turned into a time bomb. Slowly tickling away, awaiting for the slightest trigger. Iam actually afraid. Afraid of collapsing one day due to anger. Afraid that i may get Thyroid, a genetic sickness in which, grandma, aunt and my dad suffered from. I dont wish to go on medication for life.

Well, i realise that in life, we focus too much on what we DONT have. And that makes us melancholic. Few weeks back, i have started to focus on the little things in life that we often took it for granted.

1) Everyday, i leave home, praying that it doesnt rain as it was a terrible experience trying to lug my laptop, books and an umbrella to school.

2) I also pray that before i reach the bus stop, 189 stil waits for me as i know, waiting for the next bus takes 15 mins. And time is kinda crucial to me now. I cant afford to be late.

3) Lastly, as i walked to the mrt train, i prayed that iam able to catch my train on time.

All these mentioned above are things that gets me happy. Imagine facing a situation whereby, you're almost drenched going to school, you miss the bus and train. You're late and in a soaking mess upon stepping into the class. How awful life can be right? That's why iam always thankful for the little things in my life.

And just to set the record straight, iam a free-thinker. I have no religion. I believe in myself and my capabilities. I pray to no God in particular. Every God to me is great. Its the people who abuse the religion. Iam getting more optimistic towards life and that is good. Suddenly, i felt as though, the old madeline is back.

2006-09-13T22:35:00.000+08:00

iam going on a very very long hiatus.
IMF is draining me out but seriously,
iam having the best time of my school life over at suntec.
having the opportunity to meet new friends excites me,
and this is something which i looked forward to every day.
i never realised that people can be so so different.
Not forgetting to mention those very cute gukhas,
only that they dont seem to talk to us.
Anyway, it's already Day 3 of IMF.
Time passed way too fast.
But at least, i am treasuring what iam having now.

Serene babe: guess what, mz's friend, Belinda was just standing beside me outside Suntec Ballroom. The world is soooooo small :)

birthday feelings

2006-08-24T09:48:00.000+08:00

Twenty first birthday meant a whole lot to me. It was celebrated with mixed feelings, joy and anticipation. And of course, with the company of my family, close poly friends and batch 85 people, that 13 August felt rather complete but not totally. Reason being, there was a missing jigsaw to my puzzle. That jigsaw was him. But i understand he has to work. So to forgo coming to my Birthday is a big sacrifice both of us had to make.

I spent alot of time on this somewhat simple celebration. And the worse part was, iam a darn picky perfectionista. Everything, from the colors of balloons, to the layout of the invitation card was suppose to be PERFECT. But of course, slight hiccups though.

As mentioned, i had mixed feelings. On one hand, i want to grow up badly and be more mature in my thinking. On the other hand, i just want to be free from all responsibilities that come along now. But of course, that was an irresponsible statement. I know i cant do that.

Have you ever wonder what does turning twenty-one means to you? Has it ever occur to you that you're already an adult? And you should think and behave like an adult? I believe many friends who has been through their twenty-first dont see the significance of adulthood. Pardon me if iam wrong but that was what i observed.

Have you ever thought about your future? Have you ever try to make plans on what you're gonna do after you grad from Uni? Have you thought of a long-term investment so that your parents can happily retire from the working scene? Have you manage to tap on your strengths and improve your weaknesses so as to prepare yourself for survival? Have you?

Practical issues aside. How about emotional issues? Have you tried to grow up and think like a mature adult? Are you able to constantly put your emotions one side when studies or work comes along? Are you able to immune yourself from any hurt that occur?

All these issues have always been embedded in my mind. The moment where i fully understood and analyse the issues was when i turned twenty one. It was just so coincidence that my family had some issues that week. And that was probably the trigger to my thoughts. I know, i think too much. But as mentioned before, time waits for no man. And i aint gonna wait.

Note: iam in the midst of creating a new blog skin. Pardon my entries, or rather, the lackof it :)

twenty one

2006-08-12T23:40:00.000+08:00

It's 15 more minutes and,

I'ii be turning TWENTY-ONE. (mixed feelings)

immorality?

2006-08-05T10:23:00.000+08:00

The changing faces of our society. Everything has changed. We can no longer compare the society now to the one 20 years back. People always say: "Nowadays, we are becoming more liberal." Another reply: "Ya ya, i totally understand." Seriously, how much do you understand? Do you know what is the meaning of liberal?

To put it crudely, everyone sleeps around. Do you know that most married men has affairs outside? The word faithful no longer rings a bell in marriages. Do you know that your bf could be sleeping with his cousin while in a relationship with you? I know this is incest but people still does it. Do you know that ladies sleep with bosses to secure their career? Yes, this is immoral as some people puts in but to survive, what's not to be done? Do you know that your brother could be sleeping with your wife whenever you go abroad? Do you that your girlfriend might be two-timing you at any moment in your life? Do you know that your boyfriend might be bringing other girls out to club when he says: "tonight is an all-boys night."?

Tell me, do you know all these? As much as i don't wish to accept the society becoming like this, i can't. It is because all those mentioned above were what i had witnessed. THIS is the society we are living in. Wake up to reality, life just isn't a fairytale. When society changes, we have to change to keep up. Please dont be mistaken. When i accept this change, i am just accepting the theory as well as the actions done by other people. I certainly wont tolerate my own bf or husband committing adultry or incest.

To be honest, i used to be uncomfortable with the idea of dating married men or a divorcee. But now, my concept has changed. I feel that when two are in love, there is no right or wrong. It is just the way of how you handle the relationship. If a couple is really happy with each other, why should we judge? Why dont we give blessings to this wonderful relationship? Let me just say this. It is UNCOMMON to see friends' relationship going so well. Even i faced problems with mine. So to me, a good relationship is just so hard to find.

Iii be turning 21 in a week's time and iam already able to see the problems of this society. All thanks to my boss and the people who relate their experiences to me. You have already step into the working society for many years but yet, you seemed to be way way more naive than me. And please, dont judge other people when you arent even mature enough to handle this society. Thank you.

where you go

2006-07-25T00:08:00.001+08:00

This song sorta revealed what i have been feeling all along. Definitely not the entire lyrics. Just these verses.

Where you go
I miss you so
Seems like it's been forever
That you've been gone
Please come back home

Yes, i don't deny this. I miss him and it has been more than one month since he left. At many times, when he called back, i fought the urge to speak more to him. I just checked his latest bill. One half hour call from Mexico costs $50+. Freakin'. That is so damm ex la. So you know, some sacrifices just have to be made. Shorter calls.

I was emotionally screwed during this period of his absence. And i got into some accident. As much as i needed his protection and companionship, i couldnt get it. And as i mentioned, i didnt want to bring any unhappiness and worry in our short conversation. Time is precious to us.

Anw, sometimes, i feel really unappreciated when i tried to help friends out with their problems. I dont see the need to take sides. But all i want to do is to voice my opinions. I guess, people just dont see the same things as i do. That is kinda' sad. But fraid patience is running out. I have more important issues to take care of.

Friendship

2006-07-18T22:30:00.000+08:00

Added: HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my dearest bestie, Serene!

Friendship. This is how i measure friendship.

1) Level of understanding **
2) Level of closeness
3) Level of honesty *
4) Level of sacrificing

Of course not ALL besties have fulfilled everything above so perfectly. I am not one who likes taking initiative in maintaining friendship. Dont ask me why for i really dont know. I should really count my lucky stars for those besties who have walked down the journey of friendship with me for these past few years.

Now if you ask me, the closest person to understand me totally would be sister. And prolly fang is the next person. I always believe that the quality time that friends spent together contributes to the level of understanding they have for one another. Sis and fang saw me through my ups and downs since Mister No. 1 days. As i grow older, i begin to see more and realise which friendships are the ones worth keeping and which ones aren't.

Yesterday, Sis and i were at Plaza Singapura. Dad wanted burger for supper. As sis was walking towards one of the fast food chain, i quickly pulled her to one side upon seeing an acquaintance at the counter. Sis's mind went blank momentarily. It was like, 'kua dio gui'! (saw ghost) I better blog this earlier cos next week is the start of Ghost Festival (:

We werent exactly close to her at all but she just kept asking us out for meals ktv clubbing and such. We are both peaceful people and hence, open confrontation is certainly not our cuppa' tea. So we siam! To be frank, i'ii rather go out with people whose company i enjoy. Why do i have to pretend to be nice when i am truly not? Anw, i think i am an extremely straightforward person. Can get pretty nasty when retaliating to the people i dislike. But for besties and other friends, i am usually tactful.

And when school term starts, i'ii be even more selective of the people whom i hang out with. Besties will be top priority. BY came over yesterday night and he noticed some changes in me. I told him: 'University shapes people's character.' I have ever mentioned before that university is a replica of the working society. Prolly i have changed to protect myself.

I dont wanna be a lost soul in University. Don't wanna be asking myself: "Why am i taking a Bachelor in Business for? What is my aim in life? What are my goals?

Iam already 21. To start pondering at such a stage is late. The world is moving and yes, time waits for no man. This thought will prolly change as i get older, but i believe at the moment, i already know what i want. I am studying a degree in Business for a cause and i am gonna work towards it. And one of my friend's nick in msn stated: 'Obstacles arises only when you lose sight of the goal.' How true can that be.

Sorry i digress. Anw, what i wanna say is, I have changed since i grad from NP. Naturally. I am able to tell who are the ones who are sincere and who arent. Intuition doesnt fail me. I may be blur but I don't have to remain as one forever.

I used to silently tolerate when friends took me for granted and when people backstab me by taking credit for my work. But life changes. I have changed. So before friends asked me about why i didnt contact them for eons and whatsoever, reflect on your actions first. I wont hesitate to be nice anymore. My reason is simple, you're not worth my time and friendship.

Anyway, birthday is coming up in less than a month's time. I can't believe i am turing 21 soon. Yes, birthdays are very important to me. But sadly, the boyfriend won't be here to celebrate this significant day due to work commitments. I don't blame him alright. Really. And i don't even know when he is coming back. Firstly, it was 2 months. Then it became >2 months. Then now, it became like, maybe 6 months? Seriously, i didnt even realise this relationship has became a long-distance relationship :)

; Holding your hand always feels magical, Mister Tott.

This feeling has never change for these past 8 months.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo <3.>

raw feelings

2006-07-07T14:47:00.000+08:00

Jealously. Anger. Loath.
All these vice and negativity of human nature. As much as how angelic and composed friends perceived me to be, I do succumb to the temptation of displaying such behaviour at times. And really, people seldom admit this fact but i know myself, i just can't fight my own conscience.

And yes, i admit. I loath this certain lady in my life. But things weren't as simple as it is. Y'see, this lady evolves around the lives of my loved ones, sis and him respectively. To further complicate matters, this lady is actually best friends to the two of them. I first knew her 2 years ago at a KTV session. My first impression of her was bad. We just didnt click. Since then, i dislike her. Over these 2 years, something personal happened between sis and her. Being too protective of my only sister, my dislike for her aggravated. And the closeness that she has gotten with my boy has caused this dislike to develop into hatred.

Tell me, am i in the wrong for behaving like this?

I believe many of my friends who read my blog may agree that iam at fault. But really, the close level of friendship that both my bf and she shares has gotten me extremely uneasy. Yes, i do admit iam jealous. But which gf doesn't? It is not a matter of trust that we are talking about here. I do trust him for your infor. But the issue here is, how close can two friends of opposite gender get?

Does knowing each other for 7-8 years count as good buds? Or does going through all the up-downs with each other count instead? If there is a need to differentiate so clearly between my good buds and his, lemme draw up this comparison.

Yes, he has knew this lady for 7-8 years. But they became good buddies only last year. Not forgetting to mention that this lady was infatuated with my boy. (i donno about now. But heard she still habour some liking for him.) But i guess, things didnt work out and i came into his life.

As for me, I have two rather close male buddies. And really, i would say i have been through many dramatic rollar coaster up-downs with the two of them. Things involving soccer debts, cheating case during exams, police case, breaking up of friendship etc. Despite all these, I stood by them for all these years. Friendship with them has never been deteriorated.

However, no matter how close all of us are, we always have our limits. Close buds should always have their limits. Generally, i don't believe in getting so close to the extend of making him uneasy. That is my DUTY as a girlfriend, isn't it? Is holding on to this friendship so tightly worth everything, including sacrificing the relationship?

Since young, i believe that i went through much more than my peers. Financial instability was the main cause. I went through primary school with only 60cents as my daily allowance. And even in this process, i managed to save. Iam not seeking sympathy. I dont need one. I just want to voice out this, because family problems started to balloon and daily arguements arose. Growing up in sucha' environment, how would one expect me to be less melancholy?

No one is perfect. Even trying to achieve to become a better person takes time. And in this process, i have sometimes been forced to grow up much more quickly than ever. I thought my past would have made me a mature person. Unfortunately, i never knew that this kind of maturity is never enough in my relationship. I sometimes struggle to think like a 28 years old lady, despite being just 21. At many times, i have been told never to behave like this, never to behave like that. But have everybody forgot that iam just 21? A young lady who have yet to see the world, yet to experience what the cruel society is like.

I need encouragements to move forward, not criticisms. Yes, the society is cruel and by taking in criticisms, i will be stronger this way. But you are not the society. I don't seek comfort in the society. I don't seek comfort in my bosses. I seek comfort in you. In my friends. "Spare the rod and spoil the kid." This approach works for some people but certainly not for me. I hope you see my point.

Yes, life is short. Friends always tell me to enjoy it while i still can. But why dont i get to feel more of those happiness in this life? All these happiness which i thought i rightfully deserves. Feelings are rather raw now. I donno. Prolly many things has happened to me in this period of his absence. And when i really needed him, he aint around. But i just couldn't bear to let him know when he calls from Mexico. No point making another person worry at another part of the world right?

Alright, I have way way too many questions in my entry.

Tribute to sis, farewell to my tortoise

2006-06-25T21:00:00.000+08:00

In times of joy,
She was there to share it with me.
In times of saddness,
She lended me her shoulders to lean on.
In times of frustrations,
She lended me her ears.
In the year of 2006, i have experience tremendous happiness, as well as many setbacks.
When i was alone at Singapore River,
She came, despite having tons of projects in her hands.
She rather lose her sleep and energy, than to lose her sister.
I felt so blessed.
I knew i had to do something for you.
That's why on your birthday, i intend to make it a memorable one.
Wasn't intending to divulge any clues for you during that present hunt.
Haha. But seeing you searching so frantically for your presents just makes me laugh.
The last present was with your favourite Ah Beng.
He wanted to sabo you before giving you your ang pao.
But i guess, your innocent face soften our hearts.
See, your mashimarow face works all the time. (:
iknow this is rather belated.
But i do hope you had a great 25th Birthday sis (:

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He has left for Mexico on tues. The whole diving stint shall last >2months and yes, he will definitely miss my 21st birthday ): Rather upsetting but iknow i still have my babes with me tho. To my three lasses, are we gonna agree on a retro theme?? Hahaha. Anyway, it'ii prolly be just the four of us + sis dressing retro. Let's all malu together at Pan Pac. Hahahaha.

During that three weeks when he was back in Singapore, there were a couple of issues that we came across in our relationship. Acceptance. Maturity. Sensitivity. Chemistry.

I spoke to sis this afternoon. She asked if i thought she had high expectations on her potential significant other. I really don't know. Yes, looks matter and that, she don't deny. To put it simply, chemistry and having a sense of humour are what she is looking for. Initially, she mentioned 'understanding'. A couple of my friends cited 'understanding' as one of their criteria too. But really, how do you actually define 'understanding'?

Eg.
Keep away when you're busy at work?
Be there for you when you're finally free to date?
Work commitments?
Tolerating your temper when you're frustrated with work?

I played a major role in being an understanding gf when he goes diving. And that 'understanding' factor comes in only AFTER we became a couple. So really, how understanding can one get before a relationship? And during honeymoon, everything seems flawless.

I do agree with sis that chemistry plays a very important factor. Seriously, i havent seen many couples with that 'chemistry-factor'. Sensitivity and acceptance can be slowly adapt as the relationship progress. Not chemistry. It's either you have it, or you don't.

He ever told me that i put in too much feelings when we chat. I used words to express myself. My feelings. People always say writing diaries improves your language. Sad to say it didn't happened in my case. However, 10 years of writing has enable me to express myself much better than other people. And to me, i personally think, that is one of my strength.

"To accept you for who you are." Yes, that should be the way in relationships. But yknow, total acceptance stagnant the relations. Only improvements create progression, and that has always been the philosophy we share. Yes, these few months have been tough as i struggle to improve my flaws, as well as to accept his character. He was able to adapt faster than i do. Seriously, relationship ain't easy but it beats being single (:

Maturity. What attracted this 28 years old man was my character and my maturity. Sometimes, i do feel, stuck? It's like, when iam with my peers, iam mature for em'. And when iam with older adults, iam still a kid in their eyes. It's sometimes exasperating to know that your words just 'dont carry weight'. Cause in adults' eyes, "They are just kids. What do they know?" And really, adult or no adult, i deserve to be heard.

Okay, the entry aint structured. I just typed whatever that comes into my mind. Pardon me.

; Conrad Suite. Elaine's ROM. And a failed attempt to steal that duck.

; Dinner at Esplanade BakersInn. I love this mashimarrow.

; He aint resting his hands on my boobs alright. Yknow, he reminds me of those dudes at NewUrbanMale. And no, he is of course straight. But he got rather paranoid when 'someone' just can't take his eyes off him at the citylink branch (:

; Sometimes, you really 'irritate' (and imeant it in a light-hearted way) the hell outta me. Then you'ii walk away soooo quickly that iam left standing in front of strangers who had witnessed that embarrassing act.
But, istill miss your bugging can?

Counting down: 86 days
Come back and bug me Mister Cheong (:

life

2006-06-15T23:41:00.000+08:00

My entries reflected the meaning of life. Seriously, i haven't realise that from a third-party's point of view. Ya, what was i thinking? I blogged about happiness, sadness, disappointment, anger. All these are general feelings of people towards life.

Something happened few weeks back and i was badly affected by it. To be honest, never and i really mean, never in my entire life have i felt like that. And as a result, i lost it. My usual composed-self was lost. I looked fine on the surface. But internally, my mind was in turmoil. All i wanted was time alone. I wanted to be alone. And there i was, back at Singapore River. It has been a year since i last went there. Yes, whenever i am troubled, Singapore River is where you can find me.

To be honest, sitting there for hours doesnt help me to solve my problems. But sitting by the river side brings this serenity and peacefulness in me. And i was somewhat, attracted to the reflection of the moonlight in the river. The current in the river made the reflection swayed. It looked like a snake slithering and really, that image caused me to be in a trance. I suddenly had this crazy thought of jumping into the river for a swim. And please, i ain't committing suicide.

A friend has mentioned before that "University shapes your character". It is so true. Iknow iam not in my best character at the moment. But at least, i have already learn to identify my weaknesses. And prolly, the next step i need to take is to solve my weaknesses. That, in my opinion, is the hardest to fulfil. Having to admit your wrongdoing and changing yourself for a better future ain't easy.

You sometimes apologise to me for not being there in my 21st. Even though that hasn't happen, but i could just sense your absence. Everyday, iam pining with zero hope. Contradicting isn't it? Iam pining but with no hope that you will be there on August 13. You kept telling me that it is something that i don't have a choice. And iam being suay for having a significant other like you. But really, do you really want me to feel this way? That it is my bad luck bumping into you? No sane person wanna feels that!

'I have no choice but to wait for you.' I kept telling myself that i do have the choice. How silly. That was a great lie. I deceived myself totally. To be honest, i really have no choice. Other than your impatience, being sucha' stubborn ox and your over-carefree life, you're my almost perfect partner. Really. What more can i ask for? And iam not even complaining about you being a workaholic.

It is funny on how i end up with guys who are working hard into their careers.

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Lastly, just wanna say
I am just me.
I am ashamed to say that,
i don't have a pair of beautiful eyes.
i don't have a fantastic figure.
i don't have the Dove model's silky hair.
I don't have Karen Mok's perfect legs.
All i have is my confidence,
which have been shaken by you.
All i have is me.
who have been struggling to get out of the pit.
Your hands pulled me up.
Yet, it was this very same pair of hands that let me go.

P/s: Yes, after today, let's hope this kind of entry shall never be penned again.

thanks sis

2006-06-07T16:20:00.000+08:00

Iam gonna keep it short and sweet.
Thanks Sis for your time, attention and advice.
As well as my dollies who were there.
I shall be back soon. As a better person
And hopefully, to start life afresh.

taking a hiatus

2006-06-03T14:26:00.000+08:00

Added:

No worries babe, my reason for not blogging is definitely not the stolen blogskin issue. You already know me for almost 10 years, i not that petty right? (: That is small issue. Not worth my attention anyway. Something more serious cropped up. You'ii receive an email soon. And please, focus on your exams alright (: Study hard.

And to ling, have you realise that she has slapped herself in her face as well when she mentioned: "I hate sluts lurking at my blog uninvited." She came to my blog uninvited too. Haha.

dear all,

iam gonna stop blogging for a while.
iam tired.
iknow things happened for a reason.
But when too many things happen concurrently,
i found it hard to keep up.
iam really tired.
at many times,
i really felt like a silhouette fading into the background
while he takes center stage.
iam not giving up,
just simply have no energy to move on anymore.

Retailiation to Copycat Carol

2006-05-25T23:51:00.000+08:00

I don't simply accuse anyone when they didn't do anything wrong.
Close friends from NP BIT can vouch for that.
And if i did left any comment,
i'ii jolly well put my name down.
Since it was anonymously tagged,
prolly someone just didn't like you very much.
I don't have to do any background research.
I trusted what i saw.
I meant what i said.
I meant what i wrote.
And i won't delete what i wrote previously. Period.
Those were facts.

Nuff said.

CopyCat Carol

2006-05-23T23:34:00.000+08:00

Iam now not in my cranky mood as i add on to today's entry.
A certain lass has copied my blog template.
As mentioned, if you had ask me for my permission,
I would have gladly let you copy.
This is the basic courtesy. Iam not selfish.
Y'see, i created this template from scratch.
And this template is suppose to pay a tribute to my besties.
Yes, iam enraged.

Ps: And please don't say that you created this skin from scratch. Effort is definitely not yours lady.

cranky bitch blogging in progress. Life is brutal.

2006-05-23T01:04:00.000+08:00

"i really don't know how you manage to stand all that?" Supposingly, that sentence refers to my endurance during this period of Alvin's absence. To be honest, i don't know how it happen, i don't know why it happen and i don't know when it happen. Y'know, at many times, life doesn't give you much choices to choose from. Take me for example. He has to leave for an overseas assignment. It can last for weeks and months, or in my case, 1 month. Minimal contact. And if he really contacts me, the chat will last only 5 mins. Afterwhich, he poof again. To all couple friends out there, iam pretty sure 5mins is never enough but, i can only be contented with the fact that, at least he called.

So am i given a choice when he leaves? Hell yes, i DO have a choice! My options consist of

1) leaving him and getting someone else who will give me my well-deserved attention
or
2) staying by his side.

Of which i chose the latter of course. Y'see, environment changes you. Sadly, the reverse is not possible. People just can't change the environment. I know iam just 21. But really, time passed way too fast. If you don't catch up, you'ii just get left behind. That is our society. Brutal. Inhuman. To some extent, it's cannabalism. As what people calls it, the 'dog-eat-dog' world. Very unfortunately, some of these scenes were sometimes portrayed in uni. School life ain't that innocent and carefree anymore. Maybe not for uni at least. Believe me, constant reality checks will ensure you that life is no fairytale. Anyway, iam still gonna keep school life as it is. Free from hypocrisy and bad-stabbing.

Remember the period of time where i underwent tremendous stress and constantly getting the swings? I felt really low. Incompetent. Worthless. As the summer started, i was beginning to reflect. And when he left, i reflected even more. Yes, i gained back my confidence. But that's not the pressing issue actually. I felt that i am gaining back my confidence in such an increasing speed that it's becoming scary. Iam suddenly not afraid anymore. In fact, i fear of having the capability of becoming a player. Which, in my opinion, is really frightening. I became more aware. Alert and intuitive.

Seriously, i think this change is gonna surprise him when he gets back. Sigh. Iam becoming weird. As in, i want to remain strong for him. And to stay off trouble when he ain't around. He definitely won't be feeling good if something happens to me when he's abroad. The worst part is that iam not even within his reach when i crumble. Well, i just don't want him to feel any sense of guilt towards me.

We all have priorities in our lives. And to be honest, iam No.3 on his list. Job and family took the first two positions respectively. Iam different. Family first. Followed by him and studies. Y'see, he is my motivating tool. Iam confident of juggling well with school and him. Just like poly times. Anw, No.3 or not, i still love him dearly. Prolly the only guy ever to make me change so much for. I mean, it was good. I emerged a much stronger and mature person than before. The route ahead of this relationship is misty. Every relationship is. Whatever it is, we are both working our way through no matter what.

Okay, as usual, the cranky bitch has just came and went.

Quiz requested by serene baby

2006-05-20T11:29:00.000+08:00

As requested by dearest ling,

What were you doing in secondary school? (note: if friends have noticed, i seldom talk about my sec school life. I hated school back then.)

- was still quite active in sports. (not tennis) Participated in the inter-class swimming competition. Competiting in my pet event - Freestyle. Failed to clinch the 3rd position cause Fiona, my opponent, swam a few secs faster. I burst out crying on hearing my close brush with bronze medal. Anyway, we came in second for group relay. So not too bad (:

- Actively engaging in IRC chats and having two cyber boyfriends. Naive. Really naive.

- I hated secondary school. Had poor results and, I was a mushroomed-hair baba convent girl. I wasn't plump. Just that, too much baby fats don't do my pictures justice y'know. There were friendship problems too with Mel and gang. Guess the only thing that kept me going was my cca, "Angklung".

- In Sec3, i upgraded to playing the Bass Kulintang. The Bass is the biggest Kulintang in Angklung. Believe it or not, it looked like a lifesize coffin. And the Angklung toilet spooked me out. Students always tell me that that toilet was haunted. "Convent girls" and "nuns" were constantly sighted in the past. Wonder if it's true.

- I was promoted to Vice-President of Angklung and Vice-Chairman of my class. Training the upper sec for SYF was hell. Y'know, older students were seemingly more rebellious and talkative. My president was smart. She took the lower sec. Y'know, it was freakin' difficult to train. Loud voices, conversations and angklung music certainly don't go hand in hand. I was too nice. Really. Don't ever test my patience. Cause those angklung lasses had me shouting at them. It is funny now that i thought of it. The whole room became quiet as i commanded them "all of you jolly well memorise your music score when i get back. Don't say i didn't warn you." Okay, that was my exact sentence before i left that Angklung room. Perks of being a Vice and consequences of testing my patience (:

- Life during my sec school days were struggling. Mom was the only breadwinner. Sis was still studying at TP. That was why i became frugal. I seldom eat full meals. Lunch was always maggi mee or fried bee hoon. It was cheap y'see.

- Friendship problems with mel and gang. Don't wanna talk about it. It's the past already. We are doing fine now (:

> 5 things you would do if you were a millionaire.
- share with my family.
- invest in my/his business.
- build an animal shelter for the strays.
- buy property.
- get my Mitsubishi or Mazda

> 5 bad habits.
- crack my fingers.
- like to sleep alot
- untidy table
- easily frustrated (mostly during Uni days)
- extreme behaviour.

> 5 things you like doing.
- anything with him
- hanging out with my lasses and dudes.
- freestyle dancing.
- writing diary
- star gazing!*****
add one more: Travelling.

> 5 things you'd never wear, buy or get.
- tacky clothes
- stuff toy for myself (i have never like those)
- Parsley
- Chivas
- Tequilla

> 5 favourite things.
- his sea-shell candle wax
- that tortoise key-chain
- lingerie
- my diary
- my photo collection with him

.5 people to do this.
nada, it's up to you all tho. No obligations.

he called!

2006-05-16T10:58:00.000+08:00

He called.

He finally called! (: (: (:

But he wont be back so soon. Prolly delay for 10 more days.

Peurto Rico

2006-05-14T13:37:00.000+08:00

When i say i "weeped in my heart", i don't literally meant it as real crying. It simply means i felt extremely upset. (: But i do agree, my entries ain't that legible to all readers. Cause mainly, i blog my feelings and stuff that prolly only myself can comprehend. I remember blogging one entry months back, stating that "........i feel like crying, but i controlled." Many friends thought that i actually weeped on ALL occasions. (:

Anyway, i really appreciate YJ and Wendy's concern. Together with Wei Xin, we met up and headed to Settlers Cafe at Clark Quay. I thought they might be heading to club or something. But i certainly cant dance in my sprained foot. yes, i sprained it while jogging yesterday. Iam sucha' clumsy ox. darn.

Settlers Cafe has a great variety of boardgames and Wei Xin chosen 'Puerto Rico'. Seriously, i cant remember the name though. It was a strategy game and really, i was having a hard time catching up with the waitress's explanation. y'know, not many girls are that into strategy-games. But, gimme a game of Scrabbles and i'ii certainly give you a tough time. (:

Actually, it wasn't the game that made the night. It was the jokes, the laughter and the fun that completed the whole outing. The guys were practically snoozing. They were turning zombic while Wendy and i were pretty much awake. The night ended with WX driving Wendy and YJ to Woodlands. And i realised that Wendy is staying only 10 blocks aways from Alvin. The world is so small isn't it? (: And of course, i was silently praying that both of us won't end up at Woodlands Checkpoint or the Krangi Turf club as WX send me home. Haha.

I hope i can recover quickly. Wanna resume my running again. ):

Missing him. Working at Vietnam

2006-05-11T22:20:00.000+08:00

Each night, i pray.
Praying for your safety.
And nothing else.
Yes, imissyou. But work takes priority in your life.
I understand. I totally understand.

I last heard from you on the 5 May 1.19pm.
Since then, my phone hadn't ring or beep.
You told me that you were heading to the rig.
I know what that means.
You will be far away from the civilised world.
No more contact. Nothing.

I don't know and won't imagine anyone to understand my position.
Prolly Eileen might?
That night of 5 April, i weeped in my heart.
I thought of our past.

Yesterday, i saw Orion.
My favourite 3 stars, neatly lined up in the sky.
And i wonder, are you seeing em' too?
I believe the Vietnam sea will give a better view.

Orion reminded me of you.
It was those stars that made our Bedok Jetty dates so memorable.
That time, i was falling in love. With the stars that is (:
And began reading up on star constellations.

Tonight, i look at the sky again.
Silently praying for your return 'in one piece'.
No accidents like an injuried foot.
No hundred tiny cuts on your palm.
No jelly fish stings.
No body contact with the barnacles,
which had you scrubbing your body like hell for two days.
No more cuts on our left index fingers (:

come back soon, yes?

Leaving for vietnam and our little adventure at Bukit Timah Hill

2006-05-04T21:20:00.000+08:00

I gave him a hug at the entrance of the departure hall. My eyes stayed glued. As he walked through the counter, he gave a final wave and slowly, he disappeared into the midst of departuring crowd. I controlled and yes, no tears were shed. But the emotions were overwhelming me. I was suddenly being thrown back to the night of 17th March. The night when my last bestie left for Aussie. I cried at BK but there was him, consoling me and lending me his shoulders to lean on.

This time, i was all alone.

I don't wanna cry. I told myself not to. Took a walk at the airport and to the viewing mall. Most part of the viewing mall is currently under construction. I have no idea if that was his plane i was looking at. I was praying hard. Hoping that his plane was not situated at the restricted part of the viewing mall. There were two SQs and one M'sia airline. Waited till 3.05pm when an SQ started reversing. I was pretty sure that was his flight. It was barely 10mins when the plane took off. By then, reality hit me that he was no longer in Singapore.

Pacing down the walkway of Changi Airport viewing mall, i took a quick glance at the glass panels and thought of the past. On the day that cindy left, Mel was filming some clips with her cameo. There was this clip where she was filming into the glass panels. And everyone shadows were captured in the clip. I remembered everyone being in high spirits. The sound of our slippers echoed in the hallway as we walked to the viewing mall.

Now as i looked into that same glass panels again, those silhouettes that i saw on that day slowly vanishes. And really, i miss everyone, especially him.

; lunch at Mac
We were so deprived of sleep and food.

; His airplane to Saigon. SQ178

On Labour Day, we went up Bukit Timah Hill. It was simply fabulous. The mid-morning walk was humid. But the heat and sweat meant nothing to us as we were dressed comfortably in our running gear. The slopes were pretty steep and he challenged me to run upslope. I was, of course, breathless by the time i ran mid-way. But that dude was able to go on. What can i say? Racing against a runner from the Navy Elite team is Mission Impossible.

We reached the summit pretty quickly. Nothing facinating actually. To leave the summit, there were two ways. One, walk down the slope. Two, walk down the steep stairs. We tried the stairs. It was my virgin experience walking these stairs and seriously, my fear and anxiety had rendered me really helpless. I held his hand tightly for fear of losing balance. And really, given that i have flat foot, i wonder how i survived gymnastics last time.

I was curious about the terrains at the Hill. He mentioned that the navy divers used to train in the terrains. Supposedly filled with mud, water, mosquitoes, webs and huge boulders. I didnt bother much about this. We chose "Catchment Path" and the route was extremely slippery. We walked deeper and deeper into the terrain until we lost sight of the entrance where we came in from. Time seemed to pass real slowly as i struggle to keep myself balance. Yknow, it was kind of frightening as one slip can cause me to roll down the forest. The rocks were algae-infested by the way. That moment, i realise that we were all alone in the terrain. No one else.

He held me even tightly as on two occasions, i slipped a little. "Catchment Path" supposed to lead us OUT of Bukit Timah Hill but guess what, we came to a dead end. Yes, we were sort of lost. Anyway, he refused to walk further as lying ahead of me were huge boulders filled with algae and water. Sorry, i just dont want to die as yet. We made a reverse and fortunately, we got out of that terrain. I made the decision to walk down through the main road. At least, it seemed safer (:

; After our little "adventure"

A little shoutout to Melissa Ooi. Sorry. My post is kind of delayed.
Happy Belated 21st girl!

Birthday dinner

2006-04-22T19:56:00.000+08:00

I simply love it when he wears his DavidDoff Cool Water. This cologne has been my personal pick since my favourite ~~butch~~ bitch wore it when she was fourteen. A slight whiff of that distinctive masculine smell gets me high. Okay, iam intoxicated. And no, I don't think that sounds psychotic. I just love it! (:

I had jokingly mentioned years back that i'ii marry any pleasant-looking guy who has the ultimate DavidDoff scent. I don't know if i'ii marry him but i have certainly found my perfect significant other.

He turned 28 on wednesday. Friends have actually ask me go Zouking but i rejected them for cooking his dinner takes top priority! He seldom celebrate his birthdays as he was often overseas. Yes, iam still counting my lucky stars that he was in Singapore for his 28th.

It has been a long while since i touched the stove. Boy was i anxious that the food might turn out badly. Iknow the picture aint that fabulous but that was afterall a simple meal. No candle light. No sophisticated western cuisine. No red wine. Just a plain bowl of corn-bak kut soup, onions with egg and teriyaki chicken. It was much effort taken to cook everything and he seemed happy at my culinary skills.

; Dinner

; Savoring my dinner.

; Rasberry Seduction

; The love of my life. We both looked shagged. Alvin came over after his dive stint at West Coast. And ya, i was au natural. No makeup. Nothing.

And no, his stomach is stilll fine thank you. My food is pretty much edible given that i used to cook and bake for my friends and family. Speaking of which, I intend to do some baking next week or something. Getting in touch with my domestic skills prolly gives me some assurance that iam also house-wife material in future. yknow, it has always been my dream to balance between being a careerwoman and a capable housewife. Haha.

yknow, he told me that he felt weird at how i celebrated his birthday. Why, i really don't know. It was a simple affair. Dinner, cutting cake and chilling out at my home sofa.

That chilling out part was funny. Both of us were feeling so nolstagia. We were sitting in the exact position, similar to that day of December 3rd. Except that the atmosphere not that lo-matic anymore. The feeling was more of comfort, familiarity, stableness and playfulness. Ya, we cushion-fought.

Anyway, mom and dad gave him ang pow. I think that was thoughtful of them. I know my parents adore him. Even though they didnt express it out verbally. I could just sense it (: Anyway, hope you enjoyed my foodie ,love.

dearest's birthday

2006-04-19T23:48:00.000+08:00

a quick post for today.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY HONEY!
You know how you always brings joy to my life (: smuacks!

aftermath of exams

2006-04-18T14:58:00.000+08:00

The aftermath of exams.

WZ, Jacinta, Pam, Mabel and myself gave ourselves a good treat at Sakae. Iam gonna miss the two lasses, WZ and Jacinta as they have been with me this semester and really, those times with them were simply fabulous. Thank you babes. We all proceeded to watch our own movies. Alvin and i caught "Take the Lead". It was really good and if you love salsa, rumba, foxtrot, go watch that. Antonio Bandaras had me drooling. What can i say, i love older men (:

Alvin and i sat at McCafe (yes, again) for a long chat. Sis is always amused by how much we can talk. But really, we talk about everything under the sun. Topics ranging from serious issues - how we can both contribute/sacrifice to improve our relationship to lame issues - scrutinising and criticising the people sitting beside him. To him, it is always a constructive feedback. Not criticism.

Iam feeling soo revitalized now. And to think iwas nearly drowned by my stats notes last sunday. Believe me, smu certainly don't scrimp on papers. I cant imagine the number of trees that were used to print our stuff and Tomoki has fully utilize the spaces in his seminar notes. Rats, tree-killer!

looking rather unglam in my VeGood tee. drowned in the sea of papers. Read: STATS papers. My typical day mugging at home.

Digressing to another issue. i had initially refused to blog about this incident but falling twice really got me thinking on how my bum just love to kiss the floor.

The first time i fell on my bum was at Lau Pat Sat, outside mouse's Little Flower Shop. It was her shop's opening and she catered buffet. Sis and Alvin were bickering. And i, as usual, was sitting between them. To get out of the bickering, i started shifting my chair backwards. Chair wasnt sturdy alright. It made me fell on my bum. In front of 20+ folks.

Sis and Alvin stopped bickering. Both turned and stared at me. I was suddenly being thrown into the limelight for 5 secs. Please, i don't want to be in this 5-sec of fame. That time, i really wanna dug one hole and hide myself forever. So malu can.

The second time was at his home. Iwas studying on his bed and i never realised that iwas sitting at the edge of his mattress. When i finally finished my revision, i got up but somehow, i slided off the side. Everything happened too fast and when i caught my breath, iwas already on the floor. Yknow, he was eating his icecream when i fell. He witnessed the entire scene. He saw how elegantly and sloooowwly i had slided off the edge. To think iwas still shouting for help from him. When he held me up, I could just sense that snigger from him. Guess he found it funny la. Evil.

Anyway, his birthday is tommorow and i thought he will be leaving for Viet last week. So i celebrated an his birthday early. Didnt have enough time to get artistic for his present. Was busy preparing for exams. Gotten him Nautica tees as i thought that was practical and safe gifts. He loves them and i think that's all that matters (:

fourth month anniversary and reminiscing on the past

2006-04-03T20:18:00.000+08:00

just the other day, i pondered.

What is exactly going on in my 21 years of living in this lifetime?

At a tender age of 6, i had my heart broken by David. He was my pre-school partner. That time, i found him really charming. His hair was rather long but neat! I actually have this sneaky suspicion that his mom used the entire bottle of gel to ensure that not one strand of his hair falls out of place. Anyway, he liked my best friend. When the school bell rang, I remembered running up to hug dad. But he was sooo tall. I managed to hug his thighs instead. (imagine how short i was) He never knew what i was babbling about. Think he was just racking his brains on how to pacify his brawling daughter who was making a scene outside PAP Gengis Ave.

At age 10, i remembered being slapped by my form teacher. The reason was so lame. She claimed that my sentence have no "full-stop". Some punctuation problem anyway. Because of this, i gotten 2 tight slaps concurrently; both on my left and right cheeks. My good friend wasn't spared either. Cause she didn't write "comma"!! I went home feeling angry. As usual, confided in sis. And to make the whole story look realistic, i demo it on my sis. Ya, i gave her two slaps too. Haha. How retarded of me la. She gave me a lashing first before complaining to dad.

At age 11, i began falling in love. And it was a quiet admiration which lasted for 4 years. As i grad and went on to secondary school, that feeling of infatuation never changed. I was pining everyday. We were in different schools and i could only get to see her during tuitions. That infatuation was lost when i was 14. That time, i seemed to be battling with my own sexuality. I never realised that i was a bisexual.

I was pretty stressed out with school work at one point that i trimmed off my locks and opt for a boyish-cut. Think dad noticed my changes and constantly yelled at me to behave properly. To become more feminine, that is. To get things straight, i have never thought of becoming a lesbian or something. Even though i have many friends who were at that time. Yes, i had succumbed to peer pressure and environmental changes. But not totally. I was just having harmless infatuations.

At age 17, i went through a couple of dates and gotten to know a few guys whom sis introduced. One of which was Mister Ho. And i had my first taste of what relationship was all about. Won't bring him up. Memories were bitter-sweet. More of bitter actually. Luckily the days at poly made up for everything. POLY WAS FUN la.

imisspolydays

At age 20, i met this fabulous guy. Four months have passed and we are still very much loving. Thanks for not giving up on me. Thanks for being able to compromise. Remember our "you give more and i demand less" pact? (: Thanks for giving me this chance to experience what true love is all about. Thank to you and sis for pulling me up from the lowest point in my life. It is not the gifts which you bought for me that matters. It is not your past that matters. It is not what others thought of you that matters.

The only thing that matters is you, your red bean soup, your tau suan, your pi pa gao and the bottle of sea-shells and salt crystals filled with candle wax. That is all that matters darling.

Smile more for me and i'ii be even more happy.
Happy Anniversary dearest <3

mad about cindy and peter

2006-03-27T19:26:00.000+08:00

Entry at viewers' discretion. (i seldom spurt vulgarities. Regardless of writing or speech. But those two issues has gotten me so maddd.)

Sometimes, i simply can't understand how some people can forget the existance of their friends when they gotten attached. Yes, iwas guilty of these 4 years ago. But that one year of singlehood got me thinking about the close friends whom i neglected. Gotten me thinking on how they have all stood loyally by my side when iwas in trouble.

That's why in my current relationship with Alvin, friends became our priority in our lives too. Meet ups with Serene, Fang, Jun, Min and Mel (when she was still in SG) keeps me sane and really, all those bitching and girls' talks that we have alway brings me away from my hectic life in school. I believe that at times, moments away from him does the relationship good. And i think he shares the same sentiment as well. We can't possibly leeched on each other every day. That's crazy.

Iknow we are all reaching 21 and fast becoming adults. But really, with his strings of flings and such in the past, you ought to be more careful. As quoted by myself in an email: "To me, if you're gonna neglect your friends for a guy who seemed to be only interested in f**king you, then you're prolly the most screwed-up person in this world. But what can i say, love is blind." Yes, that was harsh but did you know the detriment that your fellow good friend suffer when you subtly threw her out of the room to sleep with your boy? That is so maddening.

Yes, iam angry. But iam so helpless as well that i cant do anything. you're so far away from me. And girl, iam particularly worried about you. Anyway, do call me when you can, yes? imissyou girl.

Digressing to another issue. I just can't stay out of trouble. Or rather, trouble can't stay out of my range. Remember this - entry -?
An anonymous call from someone perverted. It has been too long since he last called. I clean forgot about it until 3 days ago, he called again. He sounded really like diver-Alvin yknow. In addition, that call was a private number and coincidently, Alvin was at Malaysia for his diving course. I mistaken that caller for him as their voices were sooo similar. The conversation started getting dirty and such. iwas a little suspicious but didn't say much. It was until alvin called me on the other line that i realised the truth. By then, that freaking pervert hang up and promised to call back on friday evening.

I chose to pick up his call the next day. Just wanted to find out his identity before slamming the phone on him. And you know what, he was DIY-ing while on the line with me. Telling me stuff like: "When i shower this morning, i can visualise you standing behind my back, showering me." That is so ewwww. Anyway, i only managed to get some redundant and useless infor outta' him. He lives at upper bukit timah. Working adult and he claimed that we had some intimacy with me and that is the ultimate bullshit! Iknow i could have just hung up or don't pick up his call. But iam curious about his identity can?

I convinced myself that it was some kind of a mistaken identity and hung up when he was still talking. As expected, he called me back twice. Freak! I didn't pick up though. And yknow what, he messaged me. I took a double-look at the identity of that pervert. Lemme' put it in this way. I got the biggest shock in my entire life. It was actually an ex-colleague of mine. I met him a year back. Yes, he did try to date me but i rejected. I mean, hello, you're only 10 years younger than my dad. You can be my father man! Whatever it is, iam so traumatised by the entire affair. Sickening. Alvin is so ready to slam his fists into his f**king face.

I met up with jun and fang last friday. As quoted by darling jun: "Everytime when i read stuff like girl attracting older guys, i will think of you." Duh, i think i can get along better with older guys. And in case you're wondering, Alvin is 28 this year. And i don't think that's old alright (: I tried to date guys close to my age but it just didn't work out. Too bad. Anyway, thanks Fang and Serene for being there when i needed you girls. I was so shaken on wed's night that i just have to sms you ladies at 1am.
iloveyoubabes <3

2006-03-18T21:30:00.000+08:00

I was so close to be suffering from Dysthymia. I never knew that. Was constantly getting severe mood swings and such. Nearly paid a visit to Doctor Lee for depression pills. You know what saved me?

a 2-hour television program.

An extremely simple act that had saved me from slipping into depression. Days after that were much better. No longer do i feel the daily swings. Only once in a while. Today at IMH, i saw a quote from the front desk. "It is not a problem when you know that it is a problem. It is merely a challenge." Yes, life was a challenge to me for the past 10 months. Now, i hope iam able to find peace within myself.

I have actually experienced a couple of peaceful moments 2 weeks back. To me, this is self-fulfilment. Peaceful moments aint equivalent to nil problems. I had/still have problems during that 2 weeks. Just that iwas able to handle it much better than before.

In that period of time, i had my family, alvin and many friends worrying for me. Initially, i thought i had to fight this battle all by myself. But i was so wrong. All the concern. All the support. All the shoulders that i cried on. All the ears that have listened. All have done their utmost best to pull me back from slipping into depression. From that moment, i knew i wasnt alone. And iam really thankful for that.

Metup with serene baybeh on both thurs and fri. As usual, we had our usual crap and yes, that finger issue will be embedded in my mind for life. Whenever i think of it now, it never fails to bring a frown* to my face. You're right, it's ewwww and yucks! (:

The Floorskills' competition at Cineleisure yesterday was simply fabulous. Those break-dancers were really good. Especially the ones from Thailand, Japan and Aussie (i think) I swear Serene was drooling at the sight of that Aussie bboy when he took off his shirt. HAha. Charlie did a great job. But i doubt Kesh and him saw us cause it was freaking packed at Cine.

alvin may be leaving for diving assignments pretty soon. I donno when. Nobody knows when. yes, i was filled with emotions when he broke the news to me initially as the overseas assignments will last 2-3months. And in some extreme cases, i may not be able to contact him at all for the seabed has no reception. Whatever it is, iam taking things in my stride. It wont be easy though but everything is worth a try right? What iam putting across here is that some times, i did wish to switch roles with girls whose bfs are enlisting in army. Yes, there will always be complaints that their bfs dont spend enough time with them. Just remember, when you feel the urge to complain, think of me ya.

2006-03-13T10:50:00.000+08:00

A letter to Mr Ex from the past (Part 2)

Dear Mr Ex,

Thanks for being such a darling in leaving a mountain of phone debts for me to clear. You were practically begging me to continue the starhub contract for you last september. Oh, I am so so stupid. Why did i do that? I have no idea. ihave unknowningly became the legal target of Starhub due to your can't-be-bothered mentality of paying your bills.

just as i was recovering from my studies, your stuff cropped up again. Everyone in my family has been so drained out by you. Yes, at times, i felt extremely ashamed for not being able to solve my own problems with you. But your problems are the ultimate! Prolly it just aint within my capability to solve them.

After you had that new starhub contract, you literally *poof* without a trace. Your bills kept accumulating. And when i contact you about your unpaid bills, you gotten aggressive, telling me that you had paid. But when i had evidence of the unpaid bill, you started saying that you will settle it in a few days time. That day never came. Now, your bill has accumulated to a whooping $1000. That is no way i can settle that. Iam extremely amused that you have the money to travel to Japan and Thailand, but no money to settle your bill.

And the worse part of this entire saga is that you kept hiding yourself. Avoiding my calls. My smses. Why are you so afraid to settle this problem? Why is there an avoidance? Whatever happened to your gung-ho self in the past? You aren't bothered about this bill thingy is because the person who gets implicated is ME. Starhub has already sent their final reminder threatening legal actions. Thanks to you, iam in so much trouble now.

Because of solving this problem, my already-shaken family bond worsen. Dad seemed much more frustrated and agitated at the slightest mention of you. But he did casually mentioned that it is a blessings that iam not with you now. So whatever happened one year plus back is a miracle.

mel, remember the last gathering with the lasses? i met you at PS and he never showed up? Well, even with dad's presence this time, he didn't show up again. The bottom line is: he is a jerk. And i believe a helluva people who knew about this incident when it started last year, agrees with me.

i was still contemplating if i should blog about this initially. Did gave a deep thought into this before coming to the decision of blogging. Anyway, don't ever be a guarantor for your bfs/gfs or whatsoever. You have been warned. I have made a mistake and iam paying for it. This don't only cost me $1000, it also cost me my time, my family bond, my studies, my sleep. And i know dad will harp over this issue for the next few years. Good luck to me.

in conclusion, iam just so suay. ):

Written with much disgust,
Miss Maddie

PS: I won't sign off as Miss Cynical again. This aint a cynical entry. Neither am i cynical while blogging. As mentioned above, i blogged this entry with an extremely clear mind. Anyway Mr Ex, you're such a sickening tart.

2006-03-08T10:32:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, i just irked when people tells me to: 'chill out', 'why you putting so much pressure on yourself?', 'relax la! school is no big deal.' oh yeah, why don't you come Uni and experience one sem yourself? I make sure you eat your own words. Yes, i know school is supppose to be fun. But strangely, i ain't having fun. YET. And so are my 30 University friends on my phone list, with about 5 of them constantly reading my blog.

lemme tell you about our fun.

1) most of us come to school everyday, and i mean SUNDAYS too. (not bad, we get to experience camping in the new city campus.)

2) some stayed in school for almost 15hours. (school becomes our second home. We only head home to sleep before coming to school again.)

3) there was once where i left SMU in the wee hours of the morning. 4am. (good right, can go clubbing after that)

4) usually, schedules on our timetable are packed.

mon - presentation
tues - study for test
wed - presentation
thurs - test
fri - test
sat - project
sun - project

That's not all. There is project meetings almost everyday after presentation or test.

5) any rest day for us is either studying for test or revising / doing homework.

6) any rest day for me is working.

I aint complaining. really. This is uni. I expected the stress and workload to be much more. i just don't like hearing people, who aren't even experiencing the same situation as me, telling me to chill chill chill. Anyway, I have a couple of Uni friends who are constantly giving me support through my blog, sms etc. Iam just thankful of that.

Whatever it is, you don't experience my stress, don't come telling me that my stress is no big deal alright. Period.

well, alvin came over on monday night, bringing over a pot of red-bean soup for my family. It was really sweet of him. As i mentioned, i didn't tasted red bean soup. I tasted love. Think mom really adores him. score brownie points hur dearest? (: yes, we have been good so far. iam really grateful for all the times that we spent together. thank you love.

mel called me yesterday afternoon! i was soooo shocked. yes, a little updates here and there. I felt so relieved that she is fine at Aussie. Eileen is doing fine too. Donno about Cindy. Havent heard from her since. Hey babe, send me an email alright! (:

2006-03-02T19:09:00.000+08:00

.
.
.
.
.
.
.

iam so tired. nuff said. ):

2006-02-26T01:32:00.000+08:00

i wish.
i wish.
sometimes, i wish you were here. In the midst of a lonely night.

i wish.
i wish.
sometimes, i wish to abandon everything and leave.

i wish.
i wish.
sometimes, i wish for peace within myself.

i wish.
i wish.
sometimes, i wish to fulfil my childhood dream.
A dream of going to the Maldives and Venice.

i wish.
i wish.
sometimes, i wish to be less melancholic.

i wish.
i wish.
sometimes, i wish to be a thinker no more.

i wish.
i wish.
sometimes, i wish for you to be my last.

i wish.
i wish.
sometimes, i wish to lead a more fulfilling life.

i wish.
i wish.
sometimes, i wish for all wishes to be true.

2006-02-24T23:11:00.000+08:00

you said that iam a very unconventional girl.

you predicted my life and fate.

sounds negative to me.

you added that i can't do anything to reverse my fate.

But iam unconventional, remember.

i don't follow rules. Not any house rules, school rules and certainly not your rules.

iam going to change my fate.

you just wait and see.

2006-02-21T23:26:00.000+08:00

I got a burnt today.

Nope, i didn't go to sentosa. Neither did i go for a swim. Bet no one can ever guess where i got my tan from. Read carefully. Yours truly received this burnt at IMH, Institute of Mental Health. When i told my friends, they nearly fell off their chairs.

Anyway, i was there for my community service. My friends and i are currently constructing a therepeutic garden for IMH at Block 6. So if you were ever to be there in year 2060, do remember that i contributed in planning this beautiful garden to aid your recovery k (:

We planted the garden from scratch. There is only 1 guy and 4 other ladies in my group. I offered to do the digging of the soil. And that has caused a tremendous sore in both my arms. My fingers turned stiff. I can't even hold a pen properly now. Darn! Anyway, the patients were quite friendly. In fact, too friendly. I felt a lil' afraid cause all 6 of us had to walk through the male-wards to exit or get to the washroom. The male patients just went all hysterical. I think they were all excited. I regretted wearing my shorts though.

Whatever, iam digressing.

I was surfing through friendster a moment ago. And i simply don't understand why some ladies put their ages as 20, 21 when they are like, 25, 26, 29? (Iam in my criticising mood now. So pardon me) I mean, hellooo, you are waaayyy past your prime age of 21. Who are you trying to kid? Yes, it's none of my business to meddle in their stuff. But it's also none of anyone's business to meddle in what iam meddling right? (oh, am i talking sense?) Argh. Weird people.

Note: Ser babe, what happened to your bloggy? i cant access ):

2006-02-15T12:39:00.000+08:00

Valentine's day yesterday.

We watched "I Not Stupid Too" at Lido. One of the best movies i have caught so far. It's way way better than the first one. Iain't gonna elaborate on the movie and whatsoever emotions that affected the people at the cinema. You go watch and judge it for yourself alright.

He didn't get me flowers. I requested him not to. A year ago, i blogged about flowers and my personal dislike for it. I think flowers are impractical. They just wither. And like what all girls will do, those flowers will be placed in jars or bottles as porpourri.

To me, it aint porpourri. They are mass breeding grounds and graveyards for insects. yucks! Anyway, it saved him money too la. (Read: Iam a low maintenance girl.) Price of flowers gets greatly inflated during Vday. Yknow, for every couple that we walked passed yesterday, my mind just automatically went: Luo po luo po! (read: carrot carrot!) if the lady was carrying a bouquet or stalk. If you don't catch the joke, never mind. Iam just being lame. We walked passed many individuals who tried selling flowers to us. He didn't have to reject them cause i would do the job. And that really shut them up. Seriously, a guy buying flowers for a girl on Vday itself seemed insincere.

I actually told my gfs that i wont be getting any stuff for him this Vday. But i still created something in the end; Small little handmade cards in which he mentioned that they were the most meaningful gifts that he ever received + his favourite Baci Chocs. Those Baci Chocs damm hard to find and i think they stopped mass-producing those bigger pieces.

He made me guess my present. Think i studied too much in the morning. My mind went kinda blank at every of his hint. Either that or his hints were...Well, you judge (:

1) It is soft
2) It is bigger than the box
3) It is wearable
4) It is foldable
5) You were looking for it for a long long time
6) It has two small holes and one big hole (This hint was the ultimate!!!!)
7) The color is very close to me. (i was sitting on a red sofa of pastamania)

Sounds like condoms right? I think that "hole" hint was the weirdest. My head kept screaming:"what hole what hole?!!" Before anyone think dirty or whatsoever it is, iam gonna give you the answer.

It is a pair of orange-red Nike running shorts.

I have been eyeing a pair of Adidas one. It is also orange-red. I love the cutting in particular. But they stopped producing last year. Was searching for quite long. But never mind. The Nike pair is sufficient.

We had a good long chat at Lido MacCafe. Those were the moments that i wish that it will go on and on. But the atmosphere just aint that romantic. With 50Cent and Sean Paul songs playing at the cafe, it felt like Chinablack. Speaking of that, i should be back at the clubbing scene pretty soon.

Sorry for digressing. Anyway, i still prefer East Coast. Our usual bench. The cool sea breeze. The miserable number of stars that i can just stare for hours. We just didn't have the time to go unfortunately. Well, next year. Maybe next year. Anyway, to be able to spend this day with him is good enough.

2006-02-08T22:53:00.000+08:00

Feeling so nolstagia. Do what i am feeling. But what am i doing wrong? What am i doing so wrong? Sometimes i see life as a struggle. Other times i see it as a light of my future. So what is it really?

I don't have the answer. Do you?

People changes over time. I did and iam fully aware of my change. Lack of discipline that is. And it aint just studies. What iam putting across here is that a slight change in my life has created a tremendous chain-effect over the past 1 year. I know it all started at my internship at SAP. I had my virgin taste of procrastination. As well as irresponsibilty. These 2 factors changed me to what iam now.

That's why life became melancholic as i struggle to regain back my old self. Emotions ran high and i needed much more support than i can ever get. I know i can't do this alone. I need my family. I need my friends. I need him.

I believed that at times, he, my friends, as well as people who reads this blog never understood my constant mood swings. To others, i could just be having my pms. But to me, those were the times where iwas trying to change myself.

No one knew. I didn't tell anyone. To be honest, i don't even know how to start talking about it. As what i told Serene dearest, the changing of your own character is one of the most challenging task ever. But, i guess iam gonna try tho.

2006-02-02T19:37:00.000+08:00

I caught the fireworks yesterday.

It wasn't planned.
It was my first time watching though.
That perfect spot at the Explanade.
That perfect timing at 9.30pm.
And most importantly,

With that perfect person sitting beside me.

2006-01-25T12:47:00.000+08:00

Ever experience sending an sms and realising that you had also receive the same message a few sec later?

Ever experience cutting your index finger on your left hand and realising that she had also suffered the same injury that day?

Ever experience the craving for a certain food and realising that he has the same craving that very moment too?

Ever experience picking up the phone to dial his number and realising that your handphone is ringing? Shown on the display screen was his home number.

That is telepathy. Seriously, i never trusted those in the past. Simply because it didn't happened to me. But now, i do. It is just too amazing. The above incidents, except for the finger cutting, happened so many times that i have lost count. Weird isn't it?

We took neoprint. And i think he looked fabulous. Didn't decorate much as i am quite a dope at those high-tech japonei machines. okay, iam sooo outdated.The last pose was suppose to be a candid shot. A for-fun shot. He just freaked out when the machine selected that picture. We ran outta time by the way. (:

Yesterday morning, i received this perverted call. To all out there, please,
don't call and make me guess your identity! I think this is plain stupid. That dude started the conversation by asking me if i had school and such. Was thinking if that was one of my guy friend. Yes, iam quite a retard at identifying voices. So i stalled for time by talking more so as to find out who he was.

That was when the conversation started to get perverted.

Anonymous: You really donno who i am?

Maddie: Er, no. I can't recall.

Anonymous: I kiss your boobs before.

Maddie: You what?!!

And that ass repeated his sentence. I just went all silent alright. He
continued the conversation.

Anonymous: And you blow for me before.

Maddie: I don't do such things k!

I became real silent after that. That made him end the conversation as i also mentioned earlier that i had to head for work. He said he would call again. Iam waiting. If this caller happens to be someone whom i knew, iam gonna grind this chicken into mincemeat!!

Perverts. Alright, Alvin was mad. Who wouldn't? Initially i thought he was the one who played that trick on me. Anyway, a flashback on what went on last week. A lil' delayed though.

Cindy left on wednesday to Brisbane. We reached around 8.30pm. Mel and Eileen were already there. We all had a short chat. Took a couple of pics. It was no teary affair. That was good yknow. As usual, Mel and Alvin bickered. And that makes me laugh. (: Cindy's parents were so curious about Alvin's occuption that for a moment, i thought that they were my parents! Haha. Anyway, we didn't stayed for long as all of us have school and work the next day.

Upon reaching the airport. I just looked pregnant la. And Cindy getting cheeky in front of the cam!

Group picture. The last before Cindy flies off.

Tim and Alvin joining us. His ash-green hair damm outstanding can. Think that was the pic where everyone smiled till their faces cramped. That person was not that familiar with the functions. (i think) Can't remember who took the pic though.

Mel was really embarrassed. There was a sudden boom of tourist. And Alvin was taking quite a while adjusting the cameo. Mel had this sneaky suspicion that he was out to sabo her. Haha.

Goodbye Cindy and Tim. We will see you both soon. Hopefully in Aussie? (:

2006-01-10T01:15:00.000+08:00

Chinese New Year is round the corner. And i have yet to get my clothes fully. Yes, i had set my eyes on a couple of outfit. It's either the clothes were too pricy or it doesn't really fit well. Not that i can't fit but i certainly don't appreciate my jeans or skirts hanging at my waist area. I do prefer hipsters, much to the annoyance of my parents' and my dearest.

The reason for the delay in getting new clothes was also because iam quite broke. Intend to borrow some cash from mom. For your infor, i seldom use mom's money to buy stuff. As much as i hate to work during my course of study at uni, i know i can't. Some faggot lectured me years back. Telling me to cut down on clubbing as my family was working so hard to make ends meet. so damm maddening can. Yes, i still have some allowance from mom for school. But i have my principles. I don't touch her money when i clubbed. It's purely from my savings or my work.

Well, i know i shouldn't let negativity ruin any of my days. Apparently, something happened days back and my emotions ran high. Sometimes, i really want a listening ear. Prolly not many knows how i control my emotions. But darn, it's a goddam tough job. Simply because iam born an emotional lass.

When i think of my 3 good friends, who will be leaving for Aussie very soon,
I feel like tearing but i controlled.

When i think of Mel, my good friend of 10 years, who will be stationing at Aussie for 2 years consecutively and at the moment, made no plans to return to Singapore any sooner,
I feel like tearing but i controlled.

When the lady at IMH relate a story on how one of her mental patients absconded from the hospital and running to a HDB to commit suicide, i thought of my grandpa.
I feel like tearing but i controlled.

When i thought that i might be losing someone,
I feel like tearing but i controlled.

When i found out that a good friend judge me, iam so afraid of a similar incident happening.
I feel like tearing but i controlled.

When i see a bumpy road ahead of us, i thought of my past. A past that constantly serves as a reminder for me to be strong.
I feel like tearing but i controlled.

When i realized that i didn't received the support i needed in my most vulnerable,
i didn't control.

I just teared.

2006-01-03T00:55:00.000+08:00

It's official.

Serene knows my EVERY secret. And i really mean EVERY can? Stuff that i don't really tell some of close gfs. Not that i don't wanna say. Just that at times, you just wanna tell stuff to people whom you can relate to. And prolly in my entire life, only Serene shares really similar secrets with me. In the way, it's good cause i don't have to worry about friends judging me. AND, we shall have much fun bitching about such topics. (: Yes babe, i have also found a soulmate in you too.

Well, i would say 2005 was much worse than 2004. It felt, bittersweet. 3/4 of last year was quite screwed up. Except for the last quarter though. Yes, with the many problems faced plus this immeasurable amount of stress at smu that left many jaded, i became sucha' tempremental screwed-up bitch. And of course, it became increasingly annoying when the clock ticks so freaking slowly to the end of 2005.

iwontmissyou2005.

Blame it on PMS. iam currently ain't in the right state of mind to blog nice stuff. Sometimes i wonder. Why don't some ladies experience mood swings? He told me that his ex-gfs don't. But why me? I guess it's due to the fact that iam more emotional than others. People tend to view being emotional as a negative trait. I thought otherwise.

Anyway, having the PMS blues ain't doing me any good. I became critical of words. And getting sensitive over what-i-don-even-know. Whatever it is, iam just not thinking straight. So don't attempt to argue or correct me. Cause I think WWIII might just start. Sis is smart. She left me alone for the entire of tonight. (: Thanks.

On the 31st Dec, everyone seemed to be having a helluva good time outside. Partying, drinking and catching the fireworks. Seriously, i wanted to go out BUT can't. sigh. iam so envious can? I know this sounds stupid but going to bed with an "un-smiley" face gotten me this nightmare with him and his ex-girl.

And really, i ought to be shot for blogging such melancholic entry on the 2006. It's just gonna to be one of those days. anyway, it has been a month since we got together.
Happy one month dearest <3>

Don't worry about those sleepy eyes. I think you look fine. You always do by the way (:

Met up with the convent lasses last thursday. I was quite surprised to see Jess la. She kinda disappeared for really long. Well, only her blog has been kept alive. Anyway, we went for dinner at NYDC Weelocks. I guess this is the last official gathering for all 5 of us. Cindy and Mel shall be heading to Brisbane on the 18Jan and 17Feb respectively. And Eileen is leaving on 12Feb to Queens. And my dearest should be going to Tasmania on 17April. Why all leaving? sigh.

You know, that really gotten me greatly upset as the lasses won't be around in these one-two years. And we would all miss each other's 21st Birthday. But still, iam just glad that they are furthering their studies. And would prolly receive their degrees much earlier than i do!! argh. 3.5 more years for me.

anyway, some pics from the gathering. the first pic was actually taken without flash initially. Everything was too dark. Mel on the flash light. And i think, i really glow. gosh.

Eileen with the birthday cake. You know, i have a strong urge to smash that cake into her face. hahaha.

iam gonna miss you all. ):

2005-12-26T01:16:00.000+08:00

IN 2005...

how many galfriends? serene, fang, min, jun, mel, eileen, cindy, jess

how many breakups? er one? a gf's breakup.

how many crushes? tricky question. There was one before i entered smu. and it became two when i entered smu.

care to mention any names? prolly my current one. Alvin 'Diver' Cheong. Only the lasses knew who were the other two.

had to say goodbye to? i wish i said to him.

missed anyone? my dearest.

win anything? no jackpot. only won his heart. haha.

best place you went to? East Coast / Bedok Jetty. I saw the stars!

worst place you went to? nada

happiest moment?
- haha. prolly that 6am on 3rd dec, after Momo.
- any moment with him is happy.
- having the chance to meet up with my lasses after mia-ing for quite some time.
- love those moments when we bitched non-stop.

12 lessons you've learned from 2005?

1) Seriously, humans are evil la.

2) Life is just not about relationship. It's about family and friends too.

3) I don't wanna end my life through committing suicide. It is a horrendous way of dying.

4) Never be too trusting. i made a mistake. i really did. And i guess iam paying for it now.

5) I could clearly see the friends who have been there for me in my most vulnerable and those who have been so preoccupied with their social life that they just don't even send a word of condolence when grams passed away.

6) Being independent. Even in University.

7) True friends are those who don't judge you.

8) Love is blind to the extend that i didn't know why i was loving him that time.

9) A mature significant other is so important.

10) Life is short.

11) If you have it, flaunt it.

12) Clubbing is evil. Yes, i have been enlightened.

hope for this new year? Balance well in my relationship, family, studies and friends. Yes, tough job i have there. But im gonna try alright.

clothing item or outfit of the year? my micro mini skirt?

makeup product of the year? cranberry lip balm.

color of the year? still black.

car of the year? mazda.

food of the year? chicken la.

drink of the year? nada but i wanna try Waterfall.

class of the year? nopee.

gift of the year? self made gift by the boy

holiday of the year? nopee. but i hope to go aussie next year as mel, eileen, cindy and alvin dearest will be there. Good time to play!

achievements of the year? passing all my modules at smu? yes, no more distinctions and As. Not at the moment though.

Xmas Day

2005-12-25T17:48:00.000+08:00

Yes, you have been busy trying to create this puurrfect Xmas gift for me. But you know, life is not about creating the perfect person. Creating the perfect gift. Life is about loving the imperfect. And it ain't the perfect look that iam concerned. Instead, it's the effort, time and love that you have put in for this.

Yesterday afternoon, you were so careful in carrying the haversack that contained this present. And when you mentioned that it weighed about 3kg, i realized that you weren't kidding!! It was heavy.

The sea shells were picked up from the beaches. I know. Fang is right. I love it. I love the bigger shells in the second layer. iam particularly interested in the pure crystalized salt that you brought back from your diving stint in Indonesia. Those effort separating the sand and crystalized salt ain't easy. Afterwhich, you had to dry the salt crystals. Yes, heaven played a trick on you. They rained on your almost-dried crytsals. (:

Not forgetting to mention the time taken to melt and pour the wax into the Ikea-bottle. In which i suspected that you had actually made some mistakes here and there. Causing you to start all over. I know it was hard work. And you didn't sleep much as well. But my present for you ain't easy work too k. (:

I met up with Fang, Min and Jun at Suntec. I think our gifts are getting more and more meaningful each year. Yes jun, more xmas celebration to come. (: Was at Sin Ming in the morning. Attending some prayers session for grams. I know i will be late. Taking a cab down seemed like the only option. Anyway, iam quite a road-idiot when it comes to areas other than the west.

Anyway, fang and min late. goodness. We had lunch at Crystal Jade la mian. (yes, la mian again. Had that with my SMU friends last week). Exchanging of gifts seemed fun. My gifts may not be more as compared to last year, but you know, this year's gifts seemed more meaningful. And iam just glad that i was able to celebrate Xmas with the people i adore. He joined us for lunch and the lasses chased me outta Crystal Jade so as to take a peep at his present for me.

Jun gave this cd containing ppt slides. It felt nolstagia and i was reminiscing about the past. Those times at Year 1/2/3. Poly was fun alright. Really fun. Yes Jun, my never-comb-hair (do you know it was raining that evening?) and Min's attempt-to-act-sporty-but-failed-badly. Haha. All damm funny can. And your mini-mouse balloon. Just to let ya know this.

I deflated it. Haha.

Fang gave this handmade cross-stitch. Yes, all the same design. She is smart. And i did the same too. Whatever present that i gave them, it'ii all be the same. EOns back, the four of us went Indochine for a chillout. I gave them handmade cards. All different designs. Gotten haunted by fang and jun cause' my designs for them ain't that great. Cross-stitching may be simple. But having to complete 3 of them in a few days ain't easy. I know that amount of time and effort being put in. (: I remembered fang making us small pouches. And we used it to store our pads. Haha.

Min, as usual, gave us something from IKEA. You member of Ikea hur? Why always buy present from there? Haha. It is a kerosene oil lamp. With our pictures on the cover. Damm nice la. (: Prolly be putting pics in my next entry.

Having my last week of holiday. Shall be meeting up with Serene, Mel and gang. And prolly spending more time with my dearest as well. With the start of school, it's gonna get real busy again. And yes, before i end off, have a good xmas people. Enjoy 2005.

2005-12-17T23:59:00.000+08:00

Random facts:

i've always wish to see a sky full of stars.
i love to eat chicken and fish.
i have a thing for older guys.
i also have a thing for navy guys. (don't ask me why. i donno.)
i love gymnastics, even tho i never have proper formal training before.
i don't make friends through friendster or IRC.
My nick in IRC was Velle.
Sometimes, i changed it to BigBigGirl. And all teekohpeks start to message me about my chest size. (faggots!)
i dislike crowds.
i dislike friends who come to me only when they have problems.
i like down-to-earth and humble people.
i hate guys who show nil respect for girls' dignity.
i love cocktails. Especially lychee martini and lamborghini.
i love dancing in his arms.

Prolly one of those random facts that doesn't really make any sense or linkage to the next line. But who cares right?

Yes, the SIM bash was good. I met a couple of SMU people there. And seriously, SIM was way better than SMU. I guess the SIM students were more enthusiatic. Ours sounded rather dead. Thanks to Serene dearest for the tickets. Even though it was only Serene, Joel, Caiying, Shirleena (i think), my dearest boy and i, it was still good. I guess it's quality clubbing. One which i have always wanted. The previous few sessions weren't that great to be honest.

Initially, i was concerned that Joel and him wouldn't talk much due to the age gap. But nope. They seemed to hit off quite well. I was just glad la. Yes, Serene dearest, Joel danced with ya. And so did Alvin. He didn't exactly dance. But he groove. He really did. And it was because of me. (: That was prolly one of the reasons on why clubbing was great on thursday night.

Anyway, i am down with cough. And i feel so frustrated over it. In addition, the clutter on my table doesn't help in reducing my frustration. We went to Carlton Hotel for a birthday celebration for dad. Buffet lunch that is. We can't exactly celebrate as we are still in the 49-days of mourning. After which, we went scouting for computer chairs. For your infor, i broke two of my chairs. Yes, it was umbrellas last time. Went to Carrefour and we saw this black computer chair.

It looked tiny to me okay. And i doubt my butt can hold the weight. Yes, at 16 bucks, it is cheap. We were contemplating and sis queried something. Her exact sentence: "What is the weight that the chair can support?" Damm evil can? It sounded so lame that i started laughing. And the saleman looked puzzled. As usual, we are all getting cynic. We never bought that. And yes, i am off to scout for a bigger and more reliable chair. ASAP. Don't want my ass to kiss the floor any sooner.

2005-12-14T00:45:00.001+08:00

Note:
Due to some family issues, i had remove the previous entry ya. Please don't be surprised.

Time, again passes soo soo fast. It was almost a week since gong gong's demise. And seriously, i haven't taken a rest since the end of exams. Was suppose to attend a one-week crash course on report writing. Skipped the exemption test as my group was busy with the numerous projects. But i really regretted not going tho. I don't mean to say this but i felt that it was a complete waste of time.

Anyway, exams were a torture. And the one-week course was no exception. Was already planning to relax after last week. But the tragedy occured. Days of travelling to and fro Singapore Casket was tiring. And everyone, especially mom and her siblings. Well, it is quite over now. So hope to rest till school term starts in Jan 1st.

To all who tagged, sms, called, thanks for your concern. I'ii be fine. And especially to my dearest boy, thanks for your company at the wake for two days. I know you were awkward. But you stayed on because of me. I really don't know what i'ii do without you. (:

Anyway, my greatest apologies to friends whose birthday falls this month. I just can't celebrate. Mom and dad forbid me to do so. There are some kind of rules and whatsoever that i have to follow. Somehow, it will affect the birthday girl/guy negatively. Thus, i don't wish to risk that. Till the next entry, everyone, please take great care. Prolly it'ii be my yearly reflection entry. (:

2005-12-05T23:28:00.000+08:00

"A Twist of fate."I briefly mentioned it to you weeks back. Telling you my love for musicals after watching the Forbidden City with my NP friends. You started planning. Planning to give me a surprise last Sunday. I never knew about that until on saturday night, sis was casually asking me about my dress code for Sunday's ktv outing with mouse and gang. I told her: "The usual. skirt, tank top, slippers."

That worried her. She told me to dress up more formally. i grew a lil' suspicious. And then, i started eyeing at her "very pretty and sweet" pink tube dress. (for those who know me, i don't really like pink very much. Preferred magenta) She says i'ii be the laughing stock of the group if i wore that. Too formal. I grew impatient. She ain't that satisfied with my dressing. In the end, i opt for the slight-off-shoulder black top and white skirt. That worried look finally went off. (:

We left Cine Kbox early. You brought me to Esplanade. And somehow, i snatched the two tickets from you. Imprinted on the tickets was "Twist of fate", 4pm, Sunday. I may have appeared normal upon seeing the tickets. But deep in my heart, i was ecstatic. Overjoyed. Thrilled. I ain't good at expressing my feelings of astound-ment. Maybe it's because i seldom have such pleasant surprises.

Thank you. Is there really a twist of fate in our lives now? Perhaps we both have the answer. (:

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READ: serene, mel and eileen, I am dating you girls out very soon ya. Just one more week of studying and im really outta my smu cage.

2005-11-25T16:52:00.000+08:00

This is prolly my last entry before i head off to my study to mug my ass away for the entire of next week. There are a few issues that i wanna address. Gonna be a long entry tho. Get your reading glasses!

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Just ended my Creative Thinking today. The lesson was pretty fun. Anyway, there is this one person that i wanna thank for helping us out. Mr Gabriel Choo, our neighbourhood Ah Beng. His dressing were quite outlandish. Doubt any sane guy will dare wear that but Gab was extremely spontaneous la.

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Well, we celebrated min's birthday on the 19th Nov. We went Coffee Club Express for dinner. And then to Q's Room for a night of singing. We had the whole pub to ourselves. Apparently, the night was still very young when we went. And ya, sabotaging min was quite the main event that night. We mixed the milo ice cream with heineken. HJ wanted something more lethal but nah, we were kind to her stomach. (:

After which, we head to Clark Quay for a night of biatching. We chatted for a couple of hours. Ended the night quite well though. But i am so looking forward to the combined celebration of fang and hj at Sentosa. Haven't been to KM8. Heard that it's a pretty romantic place and some lass (ahem) got attached at that place. (ahem) (: And i need a tan too! I have lost count of the number of peeps who commented how white i look. Argh! Even sis and ckk said i looked like a china chicken in my hooker role for CT. Sucks.

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As i mentioned before, time really pass fast. Just realise that it's been a year since i went singleton. Well, at my age of 20, i guess it's a common sight to stay attached every few months. As what some mommies say, we should try all kind of guys while we're still young! I have no comments tho. Except that i'ii only open my heart to certain people. And yes, i have move on.

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Next, i think my CT class was doubtful of my sexuality. Simply because my desktop wallpaper was this:

Okay what. I have yet to lock lips with my female counterparts k. So plueaasssseee, stop making a big hoohaa over that pic. Anyway, i have found my 5th lesbian partner at SMU, Ber. In case you didn't know, my very first les partner was fang. Followed by min. (hj, sorry ah. you too straight! hahaha). Then it was Wen. The last was Serene. Actually, there IS a diff between a les partner and a good gf. Yes, there are all still my sweeties but somewhat, still a lil' different la. Nuff said.

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Okay, i am waiting for the 2nd dec to club with my SMU friends. Luckily they are all into R&B. I die if someone loves trance can. Anyway, to roy, dumex, qinlei, jac, emily and etc, happy mugging and stay sane alright! (: I'ii be back. Soon.

2005-11-15T00:18:00.000+08:00

Just advertising for a friend.

"Bounce", an event organized by my friends at SMU. Clubber friends out there, kindly contact me asap if you're interested ya. I'ii be going tho. (:

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"Guy reject girl because she ain't skinny enough." Bastard. Plain shallow peeps. I guess guys like him have a fetish for bulimic or anorexic girls. Goodness. How can one subject to making gfs going on a diet just because of her weight gain? Whatever happened to "I love you for who you are, nuff said."

All poop. Plain poop.

If you're making a vase outta your girl, i think you should just go for the social escort agency. Ya, prolly that might burn a hole in your pocket but hey, you get what you pay for alright.

What is this? Children in North Korea, vietnam, Cambodia, Pakistan, India have limited food supply each day. And here we are, in Singapore, rejecting food for vanity purposes. I think the whole issue is about Acceptance. i do agree that it's hard to find someone who can accept you for "who you are". That prolly explained the many faces that people always portray. And to some extent, it's hyprocritical.

Okay, i digressed. But just to continue the weight issue, i don't see the need to become stick-thin for people to accept you. I know of a lass who went on a crash dieting. She claimed that that is the only way to get a guy to notice you. Duh!

Yes, i am heavy. i don't and have never ever deny the fact. It is my bones actually. Have a heavy bone density. The lightest that i weigh was 52kg. And with my height at 1.66m, the BMI was slightly low. Well, i never like people to carry me. Cause i personally think that only body-builders is up to the job. (: Despite my heavy frame, i do love my body. As in, i don't want to get light, but i'ii love a toned body. My current static exercises of pumpings and leg squarts does help actually.

What i am trying to say is, if you are thinking of losing weight, GO EXERCISE. You won't get killed for it. Eating pills and dieting are indirect ways of suicide. Life is too short. Whatever paths you choose, just don't regret.

Not in the mood to continue to blog tho. Been really tired after a long day at school. ):

2005-11-06T00:26:00.000+08:00

I know i haven't been blogging much. It has been a hell week. And next week shall be another hell week before i can actually relax 'without feeling guilty'. The aftermath of Business Law proved to be extremely detrimental. I spend the whole of Thursday doing nothing. Actually i was snoozing throughout Hari Raya. Those nights of trying to accomplish the Business Law project was hell. The girls stayed till 4am in school on Tuesday night. Sheer exhaustion. Jaded. It was a dead-end. We just couldn't unravel that last part of our case study. And just for your infor, we spent 12 hours analysing this case.

The presentation screwed up. And we realized that we just can't smoke through the presentation, unlike Accounting. Time was really limited tho. I definitely ruin my part of the presentation. Hated that feeling when an audience of 45 people stares at you while you screwed up. The room was freezing cold. i was so stressed out till i started perspiring. Felt so darn hot. I know i tried my best. Hence, i won't bother too much bout'it.

Anyway, as mentioned, next week is gonna be another busy week. With 2 tests and 1 project on hand, i feel that 24 hours aint enough! ): Here are some random thoughts and actions for this week.

1) I dreamt of Business Law in that 4-hours of rest before my presentation on Wednesday. Apparent authority? Waugh? That lame but really hilarious video we make?

2) I felt extremely guilty for wasting time to watch a 2-hours movie on Friday when i feel that i deserved this rest.

3) Even during meals like lunch, i took out my notes to revise my work. Multitasking.

4) I study on the train whenever i head to school. I only do this when exams were nearing in poly. Who wanna mug non-stop?

5) I snapped at people who comes complaining to me about their lackof 0.5 mark to get an A. I told them: "I don't need an A. I just wanna pass."

6) I feel like biting those guys who kept ogling at me during the train rides. If an ordinary tank-top catches your attention, are you guys gonna get a heart attack at the sight of a bikini?! Darn! Must be the work of pheromone.

7) Think i blew my chance of studying a double degree. But then again, i think i ought to try to stay alive first!

8) i chose to blog about all this poop when i ought to be mugging for my Econs and BGS tests.

As i said, my mind is getting a little hay-wired!

2005-10-29T23:39:00.000+08:00

A year since it happened.
It feels like yesterday.
You are the one who gave me such immerse contentment.
You are the one who took that same joy away.
Wiping away those tears, i told myself, move on, it just aint worth it.

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We spent like, 4 hours bitching. But it aint enough! Yes, i was tired. And the contact lenses worsen my already-tired-eyes. I guess that Mocha-latte dutch tada tada kept me alert. I wonder how coffee bean can come up with long names when it's just simply, mocha latte! I always use Kelly when the staff asked for it. Don't ask me why. I donno. Somehow, no one has ever pronounced or spell Madeline correctly. Damm!

When my drink was ready, that guy was like: 'KENNY KENNY KENNY!' Ugh! That was the ultimate. I frowned at him. Can't even pronounced KELLY. And since when i became a guy!

We were strolling around Hereen earlier, trying hard to digest that dinner we had at Cine. Mom was still warning me to avoid that area where the dude fell to his death. But i forgot tho. I mean, business continue bustling. Everything just moves on. As though that tragedy didn't occur. Anyway, we were just window-shopping. No moolah. Poor Ser haven't gotten her wages. At least i gotten my peanuts from the lawfirm. Prolly a few dollars richer. Haha.

At Aididas, that lass divulge something which i wasn't suppose to know. Haha. I hounded her la. It was nothing much but i do feel a lil paiseh. (: During dinner, she was mentioning the "Virgin Vixen". That greatly interest me. Haha. Goodness. I think that lass knows almost all of my secrets already. Even those that i kept it so close to my heart till no one knows. Somehow, i feel the need to share with her. I donno why. I know she won't judge. That's prolly why i love her so much. (: Actually, i would say that she is the one who snapped me back to reality. She told me alot. And this time, i really listen hard.

And i totally agree with her on this. Very often, the guys that we like don't reciprocrate. It's so true but i guess that didnt happened in the case of chia. (: honey, we gotta meet up again k!

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And just for friends who are reading this. If you all wanna meet up for dinner or something, do let me know few days in advance ya. Cause i'ii usually reject meet-ups if it's last minute. Reason being, time is rather limited and i am usually busy. Actually, i am trying to meet different batches of close friends almost every week. Wanna spend some quality time and hopefully, bring our friendship to a higher level. Neglecting friends cause of bf? That is something which i don't believe anymore. Have i been enlightened? I hope so. (:

Ah yes, Happy Belated Birthday Vincent. (:

2005-10-24T22:40:00.000+08:00

A lady met this guy online. In fact, it was MySpace.com. And yes, she was murdered. Okay, RAPE and murdered. Apparently, reports showed that she died from, rough sex? Ewwww. That guy is a sinister. Outright vicious and immoral. As quoted from DAD, "Rapists should be stripped stark naked and tied to a tree filled with red, fire ants." Er, he is fierce. I am NOT! (: When sis post that up in friendster's bulletin, i dismissed it as some kind of phoney spam. But i read that post out of curiosity anyway.

Tyler B was only 18 when she disappeared. Apparently, her last login shown on MySpace was sometime in March? or was it in June? Cant remember tho. Anyway, friends still leave messages and condolences for her family. It looks kinda creepy to me.

Well, that actually brought back certain memories. During my convent days, everyone was so into BGRs. And yes, i admit this. I long for a bf back then. Signs of desperation i guess. Succumbing to peer pressure, i went in search for a partner from MIRC. Was just 13 years of age.

My first cyber-bf was from Assumption English School. He was around my age or maybe a year older. Cant really recall tho. His name was Victor i guess. Every night, i would wait by my computer for him. And we would chat through the night. As well as on the phone. Pagers were popular that time by the way. After many months of communicating via net and phone, we agreed to meet. And just for your information, we haven't seen each other pic.

The meeting place was at Cineleisure Level 3. I told him that a convent girl shall be waiting by the escalator. Okay, i was excited alright. Waited for a while before i saw wispy-haired guy walking rather slowly towards me. I was getting more nervous. And you know what, he just walked passed and headed down the escalator.

I was suspicious but didnt gave much thought. Waited for a whole 45 mins before he paged me, saying that he was not able to make it for the meeting due to some work committments. After that day, we didn't speak or chat much. Okay, prolly my mushroom hair and chubby frame aint his cuppa' tea.

Anyway, i got my gf to check up on him in Assumption English. Fine, i was a curious bitch. Wanted to know how he looked like and stuff. My gf gave me a simple conclusion. "He looked pretty normal, like your average joe. Currently going through a series of puberty, resulting in some tremendous outbreak on the face."

Oh yes, point taken. Seriously, it was stupid la. What do i know about love at the age of 13? And it was fortunate that the IRC last time was kinda "safer". As in, there aint so many lechers lurking behind those comps. Maybe there was. I donno.

Anyway, i don't believe in IRC anymore. I prefer to make friends personally. As in, face-to-face communication with proper introduction. I guess that was how i came out of my comfort zone, trying to expand my social circle. Still trying tho. Cant possibly fulfil that through the chatline. Maybe for others. But certainly aint for me.

2005-10-19T23:17:00.000+08:00

To Matthias :

I do feel that the impact is kinda great. That kind of stress is just not the same as poly. And i came to this conclusion: "I am not enjoying school." It was not the case in Ngee Ann Poly. I love NP. I love my friends in NP. i love the cosyness of the school.

I know this statement sounds crazy but i love the stress level at Ngee Ann. Haha. Well, life moves on. Don't be mistaken. SMU friends are really great. I am still trying hard to get to know them better.

I guess the school aint that cosy and comfortable. It's kinda competitive. Too competitive. Everyone competes in everything. Looks. Clothes. Grades. Strange though. Actually you're right. I am already starting to pick myself up and learn. (: By the way, what happened in Germany? Why were you disgusted?

To Derek dee :

Dee, thanks for your concern. Everything takes time. And i am not a fast learner to start with. In fact, i think i learn stuff like tortoise. =p I know i have friends to fall back on. One of them is you. (: Sorry that i havent been contacting you much. I have also been MIA-ing from my dollies. Feeling kinda guilty about it. And yes, i am still looking for that shoulder. (:

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Yea! i'ii be meeting my dollies tomorrow. Suppose to meet Serene dearest. But the lass ends her training much later than expected. Would prolly postpone it to this coming weekend. (:

With the rather tight schedule at the moment, i am rather selective on the people to meet for gathering. The same goes for clubbing tho. Serene dear, is the CoCo latte still on? The one on 28th/29th October?

The love issue

2005-10-11T21:24:00.000+08:00

"What is love?"

This question has been asked many times. I'ii still stick by my answer though. Self-sacrifice. Happiness. An indescribable feeling of connection. To me, chemistry is certainly not enough.

I really won't know how to put that feeling into words. As i said, it's indescribable. I have much chemistry with many of my guy friends. So am i suppose to fall for them? Hell no. But i know of one who gave me that feeling. Yes, that was love. I knew it.

I never believe in love at first sight. That is, for my case. If that happens, it's purely lust. Alright, this is my own opinion about myself ya. Not applicable to other lasses out there. Yes, i don't believe. But that doesn't mean i'ii be judgemental to others who has encounter such attraction.

I know of a couple who started off their relationship with the "love-at-first-sight" attraction. They got married 3 months later. (Read: Not shortgun marriage) And to date, they have 3 kids and are happily married for 10 years. Nothing is impossible, alright.

Yes, after much have happened in my life, it is obvious on who still wanna keep in contact with me. And i know of friends who shalln't confide in me anymore. They just kept saying that i don't understand them.

In the first place, you don't even wanna say much. How the hell am i suppose to understand. I really wanna help. But can i? I don't like the idea of probing too much. To me, i'ii leave it to you to speak up. But when all fails, i can only silently observe you and use my intuition (which always fails me) to sense if you are going through any rough patch.

Do you know how tiring it is? Can you imagine this. I am tired trying to be a good friend to all. Yes, Uni is getting really tough. I am struggling to keep my sanity, as well as stopping myself from slipping into depression. And i won't wanna suffer from a series of possible heart attacks with those frequent outbursts of my temper.

At times, i do need someone to fall back on. Someone to be with me when i crumble. Someone that i could be physically, emotionally and mentally attached to. Someone who can just make me happy. Seriously, i just don't know how to fall in love anymore. You have left an extremely huge impact on me.

My wish for last year's Xmas was : I just wanna be happy.
My wish for 2005 Resolution : I just wanna be happy.
My wish for this year's 20th Birthday : I just wanna be happy.

Such a simple wish. So darn hard to achieve.

2005-10-08T19:21:00.000+08:00

The whole week just passed so quickly. Can't exactly keep track of my time anymore. Was mugging throughout for this morning's Business Law test. It was still alright though. Wanted to head to MoMo tonite. Got about 9 free tickets that comes with one standard drink. But again, my gfs can't make it :(

A much-needed rest is what i want now. Clubbing can wait. For these past few days, i have so many things on my mind. I just wanted to blog them out. But as days passed, these issues would just *poof* as i turned my attention to the endless homework and projects.

Anyway, i am pretty much disgusted by how some people actually stereotype poly-grads in SMU. Was having a rather good impression on a guy in my cohort. But that changed when Missy V said something to the lasses over lunch last week.

The pig only hangs out with the jc-girls. And on the second week of class, that dude asked Missy V if she was a poly-grad. And mind you, my gf sensed a feeling of despise from him. He briefly mentioned that the lasses (including me) have the poly-face. Sucks.

Sometimes i wonder. What poly-face? We looked mature? Old? Serious? Anti-social? And you know what, he graduated from the poly too k. How ironic! And Missy V complained that he only approaches the scholars and jc-students when he needs help. Why? Poly students can't help you hur.

Seriously, i am proud of my peers who are able to get into the Unis in Singapore. Yes, the criteria to enter local U may have dropped. But i think those who made into SMU definitely deserve all the credit they can get. We formed the minority in SMU. That, however, doesn't deter us from mixing around with the foreigners and jc-students. In my opinion, that is interesting as i get to experience how their own cultural works. One thing that i learnt, jc-students are generally more sociable and they ain't muggers. Right Roy? (:

Anyway, jc-girls formed a large majority in my class. And getting along with them is certainly not a problem. I think they are a bunch of fun people to be with. One of them came up to me in class, telling me how i motivated her to copy notes during law lesson. For your infor, i was busy scibbling away. As usual, friends took my notes to zap a copy for themselves.

Having heard of some selfish acts like backstabbing friends in a reputable Uni, I felt kinda glad that i am in SMU actually. I don't believe in being selfish to friends. Cause one day, i may jolly well need their help.

Anyway, to Mr Stereotype, prolly one day, someone might just prove you wrong about poly-grads alright.

2005-10-02T17:40:00.000+08:00

To dearest hamsteroo,

That was a suicidal-dive off my palm. You hit your foot in the midst of the dive and landed on the floor. Having a really tiny body, that dive can relatively be compared to an adult jumping off a 4 storey-building.

You laid on the floor, motionless. That look on your face eerily resembles your late ah-gong who passed away few months back. Now, that got me extremely worried k. I started shaking your body gently. You refused to move.

And then, i saw a slight movement in your toes. You looked like you're in pain. I thought that dive might have crippled you. Seriously, i was guilt-stricken. Dad came to check on you. You stubbornly refused to get up. Ya, you were smart. But we ain't stupid. Dad placed your favourite gua chi-s near your mouth.

Almost immediately, you came back to life and gobble down all the food. Duh. Feigning death all along hur. Prolly you were in shock. But next time, don't ever do that again k. Cause you won't be the one getting a heart attack, your lovely owner would.

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Went to Jazz @South Bridge last night. I think that place is simply fabulous. Except that they played modern jazz. I prefer oldies jazz tho ; Songs by Nat King Cole, Julie London, Wayne Newton. But i aint satisfied. I wanna dance. Nuff said.

School is still rather busy. Leaving me with a very much zilch social life. I am actually waiting for people to ask me out. Simply too lazy and tired to organize outings. My life includes mugging throughout the week. And surprisingly, i am still able to find time to procrastinate. This is stupid. The study is full of clutter. Managed to find my poly notes which i hope, will be of help to my modules in school. Poly notes were better. More pictures. (:

Well, been blog-hopping recently. And yes, i am aware of comments, both nasty and positive, being posted on friends' blogs. As mentioned before, a public blog is always subjected to public scrutiny. From friends and annoymous individuals. Whatever you write, you have to take responsibility for the consequences. It is as simple as that. And i do know i can't please the crowd. In fact, no one can. To me, i do take comments seriously. To reflect and sometimes, repent.

2005-09-26T22:44:00.000+08:00

I bled on saturday night.

In fact, i bled too much. Carelessness on my part. Causing the cutter to slice right through my left index finger. I think that portion of the skin was sliced off. Lemme just put it this way. When it happened,

I froze.

I really did. Prolly my reaction was rather slow. It took me a few seconds to realise that my blood was dripping. Mom freaked out. Dad was still asking me, "Why are you so careless?"

I know he was concerned but i went "Duh, how do i prevent carelessness right." The wound was small but deep. It really hurts man. Washed the wound under cold running water. Shucks. Think my mind went haywired. Why would running water stop the bleed? Dang! That was the first mistake.

I remembered someone telling me to press against the bleeding area. And the second mistake, I used tissue paper. Shucks. I forgot tissue absorbed. And ya, the tissue happily absorb my blood for a whooping 45 minutes! I sat at my sofa, stoned.

Third mistake. I got up the sofa abruptly. And yes, i saw flashes. The next thing i knew, i blacked out. Sort of actually. Didn't want dad to know that i was near blacking out. Managed to walk to the bedroom. It was a struggle alright. Dad and mom didn't suspect anything though. Luckily.

Anyway, i think i damm suay la. Of the many things that happened to me recently, i am just gonna mentioned this. AL came over on saturday night for supper. We talked alot. I do miss the good ol'days though. (:

2005-09-18T15:09:00.000+08:00

Hey Keshia, I'ii prolly be writing a long reply. So might as well post up a new entry. (:

I guess there was a lil' misunderstanding regarding friday's clubbing session. I was pretty interested in clubbing at Zouk on friday. Coreen was suppose to join. Unfortunately, due to an engagement on her side, she couldn't. Alas, i lost the mood to club tho. In addition, a friend was telling me that Zouk was quite packed on Wed. I would expect fri to be much worse.

I did sms Mz, asking him if he wanna change the venue. But i didn't suggest Indochine tho. I know how troublesome it'ii get buying tickets at the last minute. Hence, Indochine would be the last place i'ii go. (:

In my previous entries, you might be able to tell that i am kinda stressed up with my school work. Thus, i am really looking forward to clubbing sessions where i can enjoy myself and dance the night away with my gfs. So Zouking on that fri night gets kinda hard to fulfil my intentions for a good clubbing session.

And don worry, if i were to be going for any party, i'ii inform you in advance. Seriously, i dislike last-minute stuff. It gets too rushing tho. And yes, i fully understand the frantic-ness that you had on fri. It was a terrible feeling.

Sweetie, pardon me if my entry appears defensive ya. Just wanna clear up the misunderstanding (if any). And i never have the intention to go Indochine. I guess Mz was mistaken. I am so so sorry that you have to call up your friends to get tickets for me. ):

2005-09-15T17:22:00.000+08:00

Shucks la. Suppose to go Zouk yesterday before the closing. But was stuck with my homework. And fang came down with sudden rashes. Postpone it to next wednesday actually. But, Zouk shall be closing this week.

Dammit!

Monday was raining really heavily. I was stuck in school for a while. Rather afraid to walk in the rain. Ya, prolly i was being silly. Just afraid of getting struck. Remember my neighbour who was killed in an explosion 10 years back? The incident still stings man. Anyway, i finally plucked up my courage to walk through that raging storm. You know what gave me the motivation? Food. (:

My archive.
http://mad3lin3.blogspot.com/2005/05/blog-post.html

That was not all. At night, i witnessed this phenomenon at my HDB block. Okay, i am exaggerating. Not exactly a phenomenon but an unusual sighting. The dogs at my area carpark were barking so loudly. For that moment, i thought they were fornicating or simply saw some individuals who had obviously AWOL from Hell.

Nopee. There were 5 strays crowding between 2 stationary cars. They seemed to be dragging something out from the underneath of the vehicle. One of the dog bit onto that and all left the area. And yes, that was a cat.

It somehow reminded me of the lioness biting her cubs gently on the neck in the show Animal Planet. But whatever that was happening was far more vicious. Sis went hysterical. I didn't know what to do though. Yes, shocked, terrified and traumatised are words to describe us that night. For those who think we are making a big hullabaloo over the dead cat, just ignore my entry. You aint animal lovers but we are.

Sis was so concerned about the cat that she went down to the carpark. Fearing for her safety, i tagged along. Brought that tacky-looking sharp umbrella. It wasn't long before i discovered the carcass. That cat lay lifelessly at the carpark. Its eyes were still opened. As though it was still in shock. Prolly died of heart attack too. The neck was obviously broken.

It was traumatising la. Quite a cruel act. The strays disappeared though. We never found them. And i doubt i would want too. My running speed aint as fast as them. Maybe my brolly can help a lil'.

*Yawn*. Time to hit the books. Au revoir.

2005-09-11T20:47:00.000+08:00

Ever experience the feeling of waiting for an sms or a call for 10 hours?

I did. And i felt stupid. Really.

Yes, i could have just made a call straightaway. But if i were to call everytime, i'ii have jolly well wasted my 1000 free sms from M1. I aint a last minute person. I do plan things ahead. Some smses that i sent may not require urgent attention. But a 10 hour wait is the ultimate. Goodness.

Duh. I am digressing.

When guys mentioned that they simply don understand women, i would have to agree with them. I don't even understand the creatures of my own species.

As always, i am sandwiched between two conflicting parties. Being pretty neutral to the situation, I am still on talking terms with the two of them. I don't judge remember. Unless it's absolutely necessary.

However, i was kinda disturbed by one of the girl's behaviour. Met her few weeks back. She treated me coldly. And yes, almost immediately, i saw that imaginary barrier that she created between us. Well, that was an impact though. Yes, i don't deny that i am on better terms with the other party. But that behaviour simply irks me.

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Prolly i am heading to Zouk before its closure for renovating. Wednesday that is. Cheaper. Fine, i am a cheapo. Shoot me. And yes, Min passed her driving! (: Wonder when she will get her virgin ride. I don't mind riding with her. Gonna bring a helmet though.

2005-09-08T21:21:00.000+08:00

Monster in the making.

The father of the all hammies.

Here i introduce you, Mr Fluff.

To some extent, he looked like a porcupine to me. Either that or the fluffy dude has been struck by some lightning, causing his fur to grow outwards. Mom and dad are highly amused by his outward growing fur. They were still asking me if i could help trim it off. Darn. Rule Number 1. No trimming fur off hammys. What he needs is a comb!

Goodness. I seriously wonder what have my dearest mom and dad have been feeding them. I know sunflower seeds cause obesity in hammies. He is getting fatter anyway. Sigh. Hammy needs an exercise.

The growing stage of hammys is so highly interesting that i could just put aside my books and stare at their cage, observing their unusually hyper behaviour.

They just lurrveee snuggling up to each other.

Sweet right? But they males leh.

This male hammy just love to sleep. Once, dad fed them dinner. (that was before we separated the males and females) The hammys created a stampede in the cage. All scrambling over this poor sleepyhead. That pig continue snoozing away. (: He is just cute la. I love him.

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And yes Serene, it is simply NOT enough. We gotta meet up more often kk. I'ii bring you for a SMU tour. (: Hope you're feeling better babe. I caught the flu-bug. Sucks! I'ii be seeing you soon k. <3

2005-09-04T22:38:00.000+08:00

I am getting muscular alright. Shucks. It is definitely an arm-exercise that went all wrong. It suppose to tone, not gimme muscles. Prolly i might start running again. But i no shoes leh. I think the sole of my Nike running shoes are still floating at the pond of Chinese Garden.

Friday's SMU bash was still alright. Except for that pageant. It was a big Yawwwwnnnn! Boring. I was late tho. Suppose to meet Wei Wen and his friend at 9.30pm. I arrived at 9.45pm. The entrance at Pacific Plaza was so packed. To be honest, i havent seen such crowd in ages.

EVeryone that i know kinda boycotted Black. I think Black has change its target audience: The Indians. The DJ kept playing so many Indian songs. For a moment, i thought i was at Mustafa. Anyway, Roy and Yijia left kinda early. It was a pity la. Thought we can all go for supper or what after the session.

To be honest, i think the bash seems better than my birthday party. SUcks. That's a sad case. But it's okay, I am still in search for greener and yummier pastures. Serene, lets go MoMo alright. Any thurs would be good for now. I have no class on fridays. Haha.

Counting down.

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33 days.

2005-08-30T22:22:00.000+08:00

Added:
To Roy and Hoho, i have replied you in this entry's comment box. Cant believe that i have actually miss out on your comments. Sorry. =p

I have way too many things on my mind. Just don't know how to put it in words.

I think i have changed. Or rather, i think i have just 'rebirth'. Meaning, everything seems like a fresh start for me. My studies. My behaviour. My life.

I lost the momentum to study since i went on a 6 months attachment at SAP. After which, there were prom, grad and some other events. And seriously, i think i have lost the discipline in studying. Yes, in the past, i had Alvin to control and motivate me. I ought to give him credit for my good grades. And as i said,

I am starting everything from scratch in studying again.

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Next, my behaviour. I am aware of my flaws. I get either too serious or too playful at many times, incurring the wrath of others around me. Y'know, it's just sooo hard to find a friend who can tolerate my crappyness. Lemme just put it in this way:

When i am serious, i am at my most logical and sensible self. And it seems that i was always serious 24/7 in the past.

When i am in my crappy mood, i OFTEN let my guard down. And yes, i thought i have found another friend whom i can joke and bitch with. But sadly, i had unintentionally offended this individual with my straightforwardness. To be honest, that is actually the Real me. Very few people got to see it cause it takes a helluva' long time for me to warm up to new friends.

At times, i wouldn't know if my words have kinda offended others. Pardon me if that happens. I really don't mean it. And yes, i take people's comments very seriously. Friends have ever told me not to give a hoot about what others think of you. To be honest, i wont wanna bother about strangers' comments. But i do care about friends' comments. I do think and reflect and hopefully, don't let history repeat. And again, i am saying this to my friends, sorry if i have been offending. Do lemme know my faults. I wanna be a better person.

I am starting everything from scratch in learning how to behave properly again.

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Lastly, my life. I have realised many things since that day. Those advices. Those warnings. Those obvious hints. Not that i didn't wanna listen to you all. Remember this, i may appear NOT listening at times. But internally, i do bear each and every advice in my heart. I really do.

Those hurt and pain inflicted. I had enough. I am getting out. I am breaking away. And no, i aint turning back anymore. Have done much reflections over the past few days. And one conclusion, i was a fool. I made mistakes and i am learning from it . Yes, to be strong for myself, as well as for those who care about me. And,

I am starting everything from scratch in learning how to live my life again.

It's getting really tiring.

First day at SMU ...

2005-08-22T23:30:00.000+08:00

Business Law.

Management Accounting.

Economics.

Creative thinking.

When i saw these modules, two words came to my mind : Deja vu. Goodness. I thought i would never touch these modules again. And yes, i still dislike accounting. No doubt about it. =)

This morning felt so good. The air is so crisp. And as usual, i love the smell of the morning dew. From my view at the Business Faculty, i could see the bustling traffic along Stamford Road. Yes, my first day of school at the SMU city campus. It is definitely vibrant and colorful. Something which SMU have promised.

I had a morning class at 8.30am. Headed to school early as i was pretty unfamiliar with walking from city hall mrt. And guess what, i took a WHOPPING 5 mins to reach SMU. Duh! Fortunately, WQ came at 8.10am.

Well, lesson was a marathon today. A long schedule from 8.30am to 6.45pm. We had an accounting talk after lunch. Boy, my first nap of the day. Brain have been pretty screwed up from looking at the debits, credits, liabilities, proprietorship yada yada yada yada.

Sucks. Account sucks.

Anyway, i am still waiting for 'dates' during my free periods. Tuesdays are the worst. I have a freaking 6 hours break before my next class at 1715 - 1845. Prolly i might head home tho. With com service, lectures and upcoming ccas (hopefully), schedule is much packed.

And yes, another upcoming event at Chinablack. SMU's bash. And i sweared that the guys at the pageants looked extremely bad. There was one that looked vaguely like Chow Yue Fatt in the King of Gamble. He gel his hair back. I think a tornado wont be able to destroy that hairdoooo.

Gaaaawwd. Save me. I don pay 10 bucks to look at this kinda hunks.

2005-08-19T10:38:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, i do things that is so outta my character.
These are moments that i can never comprehend.
I was cynical in the past. Or rather my entries were.
I rant and rave, causing a lil' misunderstanding with Mr Lucas.
That big-hearted guy didn't took it to heart.
And no, i don't have blog fans.
I have blog FRIENDS.

Yes, my entries were harsh and reckless.
I knew that myself.
As mentioned, that was the first time it happened to me.
I need time to learn to handle it.
You were apologetic for hurting me.
Clarifying that you don't mean it this way. I accept it.
And really, compatibility clashes make us perceive things very differently.

No matter what, i don wanna hold any grudges against you.
I hope you do remember that.
I just wanna remain good friends.
To someone who have made an impact in my life.
"You cant be gd friends with your ex."
I have NEVER EVER believe this fact.

I still care about you, even as friends.
Else, why would i go scouting for your favourite stuff when you came back?
I guess we both still need some time.
Whatever it is, i hope you live well tho.
And all the best in your work and relationship.

Regards, Miss Maddie

Birthday Post Part 2

2005-08-17T22:44:00.000+08:00

Birthday Post Part 2

Note:

Beware. Get your reading glasses. This post is gonna be long. And Girls, i have commented in my previous entry ya. Just wanna say, thanks for understanding. I appreciate it.

In my entire life, i only see beauty queens wearing tiara. Last sat, I was made to wear it. ANd mind you, the tiara was NOT diamond-studded gold-plated kind. It was silver-plated with FUR!! And it comes with a wand. hahaha. think i look like an eskimo-girl. That's not all. The lasses make me wear it with conditions applied.

I gotta wear the tiara for the entire nite at Chinablack! Even on the dancefloor. Yes, i was the centre of attraction. Seriously, if someone else wore like this during clubbing, i would have been soo pissed. Simply dislike people who whores for attention. Arghh! It was my turn that night. The tiara did gave me the much NOT-needed attention. Wah liew. Embarrassment. Serene was asking me about my flushes on my cheeks. To be honest, i donno if it was the Galsberg or the tiara. =)

My favourite lay-dehs.

Sister pic aint here. Photos still with Min. =(

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Yes, the tiara and the wand!

The {lurrvv ley} and sexy Serene.

Wendy girl

Marcus Mz

Yijun and fang

Wei Xin

Overall, it was okay. I think my head too big. The tiara kept "popping" outta my head. Damm. I've lost count the number of times that Hj puts the tiara back on my head. And really, if my wand have magical power, i would have turn those tee koh peks into FROGs. Also, i can use it to turn my fav guy into my PRINCE. Haha. That would be the greatest Birthday wish ever.

People thought i would get wasted on my Birthday nite. I know i wont. Anyway, i was sober tho but, Tref was drunk. =)

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Met up with Mel and Eileen at Cine Pastamania. They bought me choco cake. And yes, i have been eating cakes in these 3 days. Goodness. They were ALL choco cakes. Well, thanks babes.

This 20th Birthday, i received much well-wishes from quite a number of people. And some kinda surprised me as i don't expect them to remember.

On the list:

Dearest sista
Huajun, Coreen, Peifang
Mel and Eileen
Wendy, Yi Jun and Wei Xin

Marcus and family (I was really surprised at the Agnes B perfume from your parents. Thanks alot. And Tricia, i'ii be at you Birthday party on the 27th ya. =p)

Serene, Joel and Julian
Tref
Cousin Kevin
Cousin Melvyn
Zikai
George
Chester
Ada and Christina
Tse Wei
Keshia
Cheryl Lim
Mr Ckk

And again, thanks. Yes, i was happy. =)

Birthday Post Part 1

2005-08-14T20:18:00.000+08:00

Birthday Post Part 1

To all those who have attended my birthday celebration at Chinablack, to those who have sent me their well-wishes via call and sms, and to those who have left friendster testimonials + messages for me,

Thanks.

And yes, i had a great time. Really. I would have to give credit to the people who have made this birthday a memorable one.

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Last friday, i went out with the chics to Kenny's at Suntec. They gave me this really hugeee sunflower. Guess the flower was too heavy for its stalk. It was drooping.

I need water. Help!

And yes, updates here and there again. Think i have the most updates tho. (: Min bought Peko from HongKong. I think the bottle is darn cute.

After which, we left Kenny's. And fang develop this sudden craving for window-shopping. She dragged me around Suntec, looking at clothes. Min and jun mysteriously disappeared. It's funny as how the things goes. Say, after 30 mins, fang brought me to the top of Suntec fountain. And i saw this.

Those lasses created this for me. Aren't they the sweetest things on earth? (:

I simply lurvve this tofu-men collection. Yes, we might be childish and infantile. But hey, we are still young girls at heart. (: Sis mentioned that the tofu-men seemed to reflect on our personalities really well. I donno tho. You decide.

2005-08-11T01:21:00.000+08:00

I simply hate the virus or whatsoever illnesses that struck all my beloved friends. Suppose to meet up the 2 lasses today. Eileen, however, suffered from bad tummy cramp. Hence, our meeting was cancelled today. I was disappointed of course. But things do happened tho. I blamed no one.

Seems to me that everyone caught the fireworks. Almost all actually. I didn't. It was boring. And i didn't even watch NDP on the tv. Was away in slumberland. That was a mistake. I couldn't sleep later on. Shucks!

Anyway, boredooom-ness gotten over me and i did the usual. No, i don't count sheeps. In fact, counting sheeps seemed like the silliest thing to do. You'ii be even more awake. Read all my smses on my handphone tho. 128 messages in all. Still keep one message that was sent by him on 20 February 2002. Yes, i love keeping messages. My memories. I am a sentimental fool remember. I love to read and reminisce.

The 128 messages included the incident that occur from late 2004 till Feb 2005. As i read through the messages again, it felt so realistic all of a sudden. Seemed like it has just happened. But no, that took place almost 10 months back.

Prolly i was hit by a bout' of deja vu. Whatever it is, that was a bad memory. Something which is best to be left forgotten. Anyway, we are all living our seperate lives. With him getting attached to someone new, it only proves that he has move on. Why shouldn't i? =)

Lala. Counting down.

2 more days.

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2005-08-05T13:16:00.000+08:00

People, i am still very much alive. Thank you very much. Just that the internet has suddenly join the world of blandness too. Hence, my really long absence from the msn.

Days passed rather quickly. And i know i havent been using my time efficiently. The flu bug got into me too. Think i would need all the rest that i can get. Anyway, it will be 8 more days before i hit a big 20. Have alot of things on my mind tho. A friend will not be in Singapore to celebrate this 20th birthday with me. Nevertheless, he made up for it. Bought 4 different slices of cakes from Hotel Intercontinental. I particularly like this the most.

Thanks. =)

And yes, my hammy gave birth a couple of weeks back. She is now a proud mother of 7 babies.

Eyes barely opened.

Tiny little things!

They are all growing up. A few have rather big butts and whines alot when i carry them. Donno why. Think they are females tho. Cause those hamstas have the characteristics of a typical human female. =)

2005-08-01T19:50:00.000+08:00

The novelty for everything is wearing off.

Clubbing.

Blogging.

Everything is a ultimate S-I-A-N. Weird isn't it? At the moment, it all seemed so bland. So black/white. So grey. Where have all the colors went to? I donno. Sucks.

Yes, i know i am repeating stuff like an ah-ma. But i am still gonna say this : "Clubbing is a big time *YAWN* now." On top of that, it is wasting my moolah. Kesh is so right about this. An expansive hobby, no doubt. Having to deal with the smoke, the drunkens, guys full of raging hormones at the clubs and those tee ko peks is definitely tough. In fact, as what some people calls it, clubbing is a temporary euphoria, involving booze, sex and lotsa dirty dancing. So why the hell do i still love it?

i donno.

When i revealed to people that i do club, their reaction is always the same: flabbergasted. And that simply amuses me to no end. Strange isn't it? What if i also reveal that i does bar-top dancing at devil's bar? Hahaha. Would anyone believe me too?

Next up, blogging. Just read all my entries when i first started out last year. Everything was soooo infantile. And if you actually notice, my bloggy doesn't have archives. Simply because i don want to live in the past anymore. Blogging was rather interesting initially. Now, it's definitely losing its novelty. My entries used to be read by friends only. Now, everyone reads it. And somehow, to a small extend, i feel that blogging has become rather, commercialize? I donno this too. Just an assumption tho. Many people begin blogging for entertainment. Some tries too hard. Really too hard. I don't see the point writing to please the crowd. What's wrong with writing for some specific people like your friends and love ones?

Whatever it is, blogging just aint like before. Nuff said.

2005-07-29T23:52:00.000+08:00

Whizzing down the road at nite.

Feeling the wind brushing against your face, your hands, your legs.

Those moments felt great. It has been a long time since i went bike-riding, as a 'pillion' of course. The first ride occured when i was barely 17. Was working as an admin assistant. Being the youngest in the company, i was given the task to get lunch for everyone. (stupid) And yes, i rode with my colleague on his bike. Was a nervous wreck then. Feelings of apprehension and skepticism. I was so worried that the bike might topple or whatsoever.

3 years later. I rode again and yes, as a 'pillion' again! I did ever consider getting a bike license. But it will definitely scare the hell outta' mom and dad. So guess car license will be my first priority. Prolly i'ii learn it secretly tho. =p

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Time passes so quickly that i can no longer keep track. School shall be starting in 3 weeks time. To think i thought that we still have much time to slack around. But then again, i haven't been studying for about a year. I miss school. Working life is so different. SAP was a good working experience. But sometimes, i really wonder if i had make a mistake of opting for 6 months attachment.

The SMU camp was good. Make many new friends. I think they are funny. Most came from the JCs and are all English-speaking. Yes, given my horrendous chinois, i have no problems blending in. But guess what, our group name was kinda cheena.

What do you people think of "Tiu Tiu 86"? =)

And our group actually drew the Chinese character '86' on the flag. It certainly resembles the name of some secret society or sect. We did kayaking, dragon-boating, trekking and stuff. Seldom see me doing sports hur. =) It was really fun tho.

Saw the flag?

At Cdans Country Club. Min was so near, yet so far away from me.

Eating lunch can be sooo difficult at times.

2005-07-25T21:38:00.000+08:00

We were Entrepreneurs on sunday. Business was brisk NOT.

The weather hasn't been favourable for us, as well as the potential buyers at the flea market. The rain plays an important factor for the lack of crowd. As well as the day, being the 7th day of the week. Every family should be heading off to granny's place or having some bonding session.

All 3 of us did manage to sell a few pieces tho. So not too bad. Actually i was there "for fun". Wanted to get the feel of selling my own stuff. It was a great feeling selling off my first piece. =) Time passed really quickly. Sis came. As well as fang. And once again, we were all camera-whoring again.

HJ didnt turn up. Aww, i miss her.

I made those price tags. Green. I simply adore this color.

Mr Ckk, we have chairs there y'know. =)

Okay, he has the last laugh. His first ten-dollar.

Nada, we prefer camera-whoring.

I like this effect. Fang, your new-phone is goooooddd. My face was all puff-up tho. >,<

The vintage look.

Flea marketing was fun overall. That's the bottom line.

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Track back to Saturday. Ser celebrated her Birthday at Liquid Room. Yes, i was really drained out from the SMU camp. Think i have piled on much concealer to my panda-eyes. Must look pretty for the birthday girl y'know. Apparently, quite a number didnt turn up. I know she was disappointed. Take it easy ya babe. It happens. Hence, i am expecting the same scenario on my birthday celebration too. =)

Liquid Room was so packed. Crowd was bad. But music was good tho. Poseurs. Irritating loud people. Bad pick-up lines. And i think Ser and Kesh gotten some unwanted attention. One consolation. The DJ was quite cute tho. =) And yes, A lil' shoutout to Ser, Happy Birthday Babe. =p

2005-07-19T22:27:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, i don't mind taking charge.

At other times, i hope that people would do the job.

It aint the case of too many opinions from too many people. When a decision can't be make, i would receive comments like : "I am fine with anything." Seriously, that does not make things easier cause very often, it turns out as what is NOT expected.

"I am fine with anything." Okay, i'ii make the decision then. When that happens, i'ii receive protests against my decision. It's like, what the...! I thought you're all fine with anything. Contradicting isn't it? That's how weird people behave.

sigh.

That aside. On a lighter note, i'ii be going for my SMU camp from tomorrow till friday. Prolly be mia-ing for this entire week. Given the recent rainy weather, i think this camp is gonna be, wet. Really wet. It seems that most of my groupmates were from jcs. They kept chatting about their 'Air-Levels'. Well, education-gap tho. Poly grads seemed so few at SMU.

Doubt i can have a good rest after camp. On sat, Serene dearest will be celebrating her birthday. And yes, even though i might be there for a couple of hours, i did promise her that I"II BE THERE. See this babe? =)

And yes, one announcement to make. Anyone who is free on this Sunday, the 24th July, do make a trip down to Timberlux Center. It's pretty near to Zouk tho. There would be a flea market going on. And of course, i'ii be selling la. Coreen and Ckk would be there too. Don't bring things for me to sell cause i am packed with soooo many stuff too. =) Sis have way too many clothes man!

my 8 months

2005-07-18T13:36:00.000+08:00

Added : Congrats to my dearest kettle on appearing in yesterday's Sunday Times. Baby, i am so glad for ya. =) Miss ya so much.

8 months.

Nope, not 8 months anniversary. It's 8 months of singlehood. Prolly more to come. And yes, i am still one happy girl. Okay, kinda contradicting from my previous post. =p I aint saying singlehood is good. All girls need to be loved y'know. But still, dont be desperate.

In these 8 months, i lived an independent life. I admit this. Asking me to get into another relationship within that first 2 months was tempting. I needed my support. But fortunately, there aint anyone suitable to gimme that. Ya, i am selective and careful.

Well, this period of time gave me the chance to go out and see the many different kinds of guys existing. I am just gonna name four. There was a Mr Nice Guy, Mr DumbAss, Mr SugarDaddy and Mr Curious. Just to get the record straight, i aint interested in them. Just that these 4 has created an impact in my life. Both positive and negative ones.

Mr Nice Guy.

Met him last year through mutual friends. Yes, he is nice to everyone. Friends simply adore him. This guy is almost extinct. Still single and available. Haha. Prolly i might do a lil' advertising for him in my future entries. Let's just keep him annoymous for a time being.

Mr DumbAss.

This dude is simply the worst creature i have ever came across. Wonder what is he doing on earth. Think he belong to Mars, where aliens originated. He is the most disgusting person ever lived on earth. Think my doggy behaves even better than him. And i think he is most sexually-deprived male species here.

He was telling me this in the past : "No, dont tell me that you're not into ONS? I like babies y'know. When can we implement our B-project?"

I never thought that men can be so crude. Maybe there is but i never thought that i'ii meet one! Dope! I hate him.

Mr SugarDaddy.

SugarDaddy works at my previous company. He is 39. I am 20. He kept asking for dates and duh! I don date guys that old. Almost 20 years my senior. Goodness. He was still asking me if he sounded desperate. I had to lie.

Yes, he was telling me stuff like supporting me financially, having the ability to buy me this and that. During my working stint at that company, i avoided walking near his desk. And he constantly lingered around my desk instead. I had to act busy or frantically dial my friends number to have a short chat. Sometimes, no one was available and i had to resort to talking to an "imaginary friend" on my cellphone. Ya, i know it sounded freaky of me. But i think that SugarDaddy was freakier.

Mr Curious.

Mr Curious is seriously curious about anything under the sun. Anything that he doesnt know, he'ii ask. Yes, he is very persistant in finding the answers. But he has met his match. Mel Ooi don call me a "stubborn girl" for nothing. Haha. I remembered refraining myself from telling him some stuff. He was like, dying of curiosity.

Other than curious, he belongs to the nice-guy category too. This guy treated me for a cakey-indulgence at BakersInn. We were food connoisseur for that day. Sampling 3 different cakes: Mango mousse, Walnut cheesecake and Strawberry Shortcake. They were all fabulous.

The cakes may gotten me happier but the one thing that lifted my mood was the effort he puts in to cheer me up. Yes, he is good to all his friends as well. Also single and available.

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Guess only good guys are single and available. The rejected ones are well, i donno. But that's good for all girls out there, isn't it? =)

Feeling so down. Why?

2005-07-15T15:38:00.000+08:00

The last thing i wanna hear is this:

"You should have confident in yourself. People should accept you for who you are. Dont feel so down. "

First and foremost, i do always have confident in myself. But i cant always do that 24/7. I cant always feel happy for the rest of my life. Much as i want to achieve that, it just aint possible. But i tried to fulfil the next best thing. And that is to stay positive as much as i can.

Next, i agree that people should accept me for who i am. And this have NEVER been an issue for me at all. As mentioned, true friends would accept me. The rest, "I am better off without you." Remember this sentence? Initially, it might hurt when your friends judge you. But as time goes by, you'ii just leave things as it is.

Lastly, asking me not to feel down is as good as asking you not to breathe. Not that i wanna be sad and stuff but really, no one can constantly put a smile on their faces rite? What i want is a listening ear and maybe even a comforting shoulder for me to lean on. Not telling me that i shouldnt behave like this or like that.

Yes, i do have my share of complaints and grievances. But i do try to do something about it. Very often, however, it aint what i always hope for.

CKk came over yesterday. Think it was the first time he didnt sees any "sunshine" in me. That's why at times, i don wish to meet my friends in my state. Just don wanna spread the gloomy-ness to them. This dude treated me to a Mac's sundae once i told him that ice cream makes people happy. Thanks anyway. I guess that's what friends are for right?

More ice cream to come. gimme low fat ice cream leh. Gimme gimme!

2005-07-10T23:19:00.000+08:00

We are now singing to the tune of Blaque.

I am good I am good without you.
I am good I am good.
I am good I am good without you.
I am good I am good.

The reason being the latest addition to our bachelorettes' club. Jun is now very single and available. I have absolutely nothing to rejoice about except for the fact that she can FINALLY club with me. Haha. She used to be pretty restricted in her late nites. Other than that, I am definitely crying with this lass. Good friends cry together y'know.

Seems like my gfs in the bloggy are stuck in singlehood. With the exception of 2 girlies who are currently dating tho. Poly gfs are single. And strangely, The STC lasses are attached. Sort of actually. It seems like a matter of time that Mel Ooi gets together with Jack. And Eileen girl is experiencing a period of bliss with Nhat.

Not that I encourage spinsterhood, oops, singlehood I mean. But i have to STRESS that there should NOT be any rushing into relationships. Take the time to understand each other cause very often, people commit the mistake of rushing.

End result: Back to spinsterhood again.

We are ONLY 20. We can afford to waste time. But do spare a thought for your potential significant other. Don't waste their time. It's unfair. Yes, that's why for these past 7 months, i am still singing to the tune of Blaque. Actually nopee. It ought to be Natasha Bedingfield's Single. =)

Celebrated Marc's 20th Birthday at Raffles Town Club. Pretty grand. I cant imagine his 21st Birthday tho. His parents really dote on him lots. Yesterday was a lil' disorganized. The group that came was kinda huge. Leaving the batch and poly friends stranded for a slight while. I could tell that Melissa was already on the verge of going to slumberland. Hahaha. She is funny.

I was pretty energetic. Ser was still surviving tho.
No clubbing yesterday. All of us head to Grapevine at Serangoon. Coincidently, Mr Ckk was there with his friends too. Tried RumDaiquiri. A lil' bitter tho. The bartender was generous with the rum. It supposed to be a sweet drink tho. The guys ordered HoeGaarden. Ser told me the theory of "Mixing Dark and Light". Hence, decided not to go for Lamborghini. Doubt Tref has the energy to carry me home! =)

I am off to bed. Overwork. Yes, i work on Sundays. Kill me pls.
My brain is fried. Screwed. My voice is coarse. My eyes turned into @_@. Lollipops!
My limbs are numbed. Cheap labour. No, it's free labour. Slavery.
I still have a morning job tmr till 5pm.
I am stumbling off to lalala~~ land. Darn. I am going nuts.

But wait, before i go, here's one important message. But i doubt you'ii read it.
Tekong no internet leh. Haha.

Happy Happy Birthday!

2005-07-06T14:55:00.000+08:00

(Part 2) Saint Theresa's Convent

We held our Prom at Raffles Town Club on November 30th 2001. And guess what? No guys. Shucks. Prom nite' with the girlies. It wasnt that bad anyway. Heard from the committee that STC did invite Saint Pat's guys. And they rejected us. Dopes. Why? We not good enough for them?

Saint Pat's went on to invite CHIJ Katong Girls for their prom. Well well, they were rejected.Talk about retribution tho.

I still keep the prom ticket tho. $60 bucks. I remembered that it was a Buffet dinner. It wasnt even a 4-course meal. NP's prom had better foodie.

Prom Nite' 2001

Our prom pic. Most girls turned up in black. Hence, i didnt wanna go with black. Chose purple. We all looked damm old man. Considering the fact that we were only 16. Even the hair stylist thought that i was 18 or 19. Darn.

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Prom Nite' 2005

That's why for NP prom, i went with Yellow. Emily and i came up with this "No black, no white, no pink" policy. Yeah, prolly light yellow make me look chubbier but then, it doesnt really matter. Actually i did have a hair style in mind. Due to time contraints, i couldnt get that desired style. Something which i really regretted. But, nothing is perfect tho.

Haha. Saw the difference at STC prom and NP Prom? I think i might look much younger at NP prom. =p

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On STC Graduation Day, everyone wore white. We were like angels. It was compulsory tho. I donno about the rest of the IJs schools. Mom, Dad and i. People says dad looks young. Oi dad, people compliment you leh. So be a nice boy and don get so grumpy everytime k. =p

My five besties from Saint Theresa's. Still keeping in close contact with 2 of them. Mel and eileen resepectively. We were all standing outside our Sec 4 Classroom tho. Blue and white. Even the classrooms were painted in Convent colors. Goodness. So holy.

I wonder how i'ii look on NP Grad tho. Blazers? Power suits? We shall see. (:

2005-07-05T14:22:00.000+08:00

Lately, i have been getting the giddy spells. Donno if it's because of the weather. Nearly blacked out at PS last sat. Was with sis doing some shopping when dad called us. I was speaking to him when my head became heavy.

Didn't want dad to suspect anything, i passed the phone to sis immediately. For that 5-10mins, i was leaning against the wall. Couldnt walk. And when i managed to, it seemed like i was walking towards the left. Asking me to walk a straight line at that moment is something i just cant do.

Think my head is screwed. Friends have ask me to see the doc. Prolly i'ii just wait and see. On sat nite, Del was still asking me to club. Haha. I was extremely tempted. Guess the clubber's thing in me havent died off. ANyway, that dude headed off to Obar without me! Damm.

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Well, getting involved with a married man. What's your say? I am open to opinions. One of sis's friend or rather, acquaintance is having one. She is 24. He is 35. Both working in the same company. Yeah, a typical office affair.

As far as married man or man who are attached is involved, i am definitely against getting close to such people. The label, mistress, slut, biatch, dont go hand-in-hand with my name. And don forget my reputation too.

Seriously, it just aint ethical to be the third party in a relationship, or worse, a marriage. God didnt create you to be a home-wreaker. So dont be. How would you feel when someone else comes between you and him? Start cursing? Or practise hitting voodoo dolls? I know there would be ladies who goes sponging off the guys' income. "My money is mine. But his money aint his, it's mine too." Sounds familiar?

Siao! Gold-digger.

But of course, not all third parties are the vicious people around. At times, it is a real case of "fallen in love". Some fell sooo deeply until they wont mind the shame that they have brought upon themselves and the guy. Well, love is blind, isnt it?

Actually, the real culprit should be the man himself. Jerk! Cheating on both his wife and lover.

I shallnt pass much judgement here tho. Cause i don really know what is going on. Just wanna analyse the situation. But i am just glad that my gfs aint like that. Nah, i know they wont. They have their morals and dignity. And so do i.

2005-07-02T23:31:00.000+08:00

When Rachel mentioned in her bloggy that women should learn how to cook and do housework, i share the same sentiments.

Gaining domestic skills have certainly put us at an advantage over other girls. And no, i aint gonna be a housewife. On the contrary, being a career woman seemed like a more ideal path.

Thanks to Rach, i have bake a mango cake successfully. But not without experiencing failure tho. I had actually bake 2 cakes on thursday. The first one failed. All crumbled up. Was kinda disappointed actually. But no, i didnt give up. Bake another one. =)

And yeap, the feedback gotten was positive. Had promised a couple of friends that i would bake again. Prolly one more before school starts. Any suggestions? Durian? Peach? =)

I regretted not using the digi-cam. Just the phone cam. But pics are pretty clear tho.

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Hope you all can visualized tho. the cake was kinda burn BUT crisp. I love it. =)

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Met up with the girls yesterday at Bugis. Not much updates from them. Think everybody is leading a pretty normal life. At the very last hour, we caused so much commotion that passer-bys were looking. The meeting was short but meaningful. Min was persuading me to Wala. Nah, i rejected. I don like the idea of carrying too many things to pubbing / clubbing. And i don think an x-ray result would be an ideal thing to bring to wala.

Speaking of that, was at Raffles Hospital for a compulsory SMU medical health check. Boy, it was crowded.

Y'know, my birthday is like one month plus later. i cant help but getting excited bout' the celebration. =p And yes, i have already book fang, jun and min for either club momo or latte. Gonna call wen too. This year, no one is gonna influence me on who to invite. I am caling the shots. OKay, Tref too. He is the birthday boy. I know true friends would turn up. As for others, i am better off without you.